I would like to apologize for my lack of super powers.
It started this morning, as I was walking towards Starbucks.
There is construction going on up the block and they have the narrow corridor construction scaffolding covering the sidewalk and forcing you to cautiously shoulder past each other as you pass.
I am not a psychic.
Sadly, that is not one of my powers.
So when the business lady with the phone glued to her ear moved to the right, straight into my path, and I didn’t slam myself to the left immediately and let your pampered elitist ass go by?
For this I apologize.
Hours later, after work, I was walking up the street, making my daily trek up the ridiculously steep hill to my car, parked in the underground bunker parking lot.
I can’t fly.
Unfortunately, that is not one of the powers bestowed upon me by the almighty.
So, when I was walking in the crosswalk across a 25mph max street and the arrogant dumb fuck in the shiny black SUV was cruising along at about 40mph, I was unable to fly out of the way.
You were definitely in the right to flip me off and gun your engine while I got out of the way.
My last and final regret for the lack of super human powers comes from my visit to the local post office.
I cannot lift my car with my mind and fling it to the side.
So, when the aged, half blind, miniature geriatric driving the vintage Oldsmobuick just barely missed scrapping the parking safety pole and pulled it right in front of where my car was pulling in on the FAR RIGHT for the driveway, I could not fix the situation by throwing my car to the side.
I cannot read thoughts, so the long 15 seconds that we sat staring at me while she tried to find reverse and cast milky dagger eyes at me, I was unable to fathom your muddled thoughts.
Lastly, I did not have the power that Christopher Reeves had in the first hideous Superman movie, of flying against the flow of the Earth’s rotation and reversing time.
(Against all laws of physics, I mean, seriously? The poles should have reversed and massive death and earthquakes. I will let it go now.)
Anyway, geek rant aside, I could not turn back time and get the hell out of your way.
Sorry about that.
That day, long ago, when I was struck by lightening, bit by that radioactive spider, and found that magic ring, I was given a choice of powers.
And sadly, I chose a sarcastic wit and a vicious sense of humor.
However, I try to use my powers for good.
Or at least my own amusement.
So its all good.