Masturbation is a sin.
Just thought I would remind everyone.
What brought this up?
Well, I am in the Coffee Bean for starters.
There is a reason for this.
For those that don’t know, the Coffee Bean is like the retirement home of coffee houses.
When a twenty year old walks thru the front door, the average age is still above retirement age.
There are never less than 3 oxygen tanks scattered among the patrons.
Are you picking up what I’m putting down here?
Not long after leaving the underground parking bunker I have to park in, I got behind two old women, lets call them Thelma and Louise.
Why Thelma and Louise?
You aren’t going to like the answer.
Because they are busybody annoying bitches that basically just take up space.
I have issues with that self indulgent piece of shit they called a movie.
Back to the girls.
I got stuck behind them, and while I usually pass up people on the sidewalk due to the fact that I walk faster than everyone else, (its a short guy thing.) I kept getting blocked by opposing foot traffic.
So be it.
I settle in behind them as they saunter down the road and stop trying to pass.
We were 20 feet from the Coffee Bean, I was just beginning to get a whiff of Ben Gay, when Thelma said this:
“I bought my daughter in law a rabbit and fresh batteries.”
And then she laughed.
Now, there are some of you who are wondering why that is a big deal.
Its because of masturbation.
There is a “marital aid” (Also known as a dildo) called the Rabbit, and that is EXACTLY where my mind went when Thelma said that.
(The story of why I know this is a long one, and involves a lady friend that got into the Rabbit so severely that she “Wore a hole in herself.” Direct quote.)
And it turns out I was not wrong.
Everyone always asks if you “Went dirty” on something.
I maintain that I live dirty and “Go clean” on rare occassion.
Anywho Thelma and Louise turned to go into Coffee Bean, so I did too.
There is a certain whore-like quality to my snooping.
It was in line that Thelma joined me in Dirtyville.
“It is hands down the best little device I have ever had!” She gushed. (Not dirty)
“Is it that one with the little pointy thing?” Louise made this kind of creepy gesture with her index finger.
“Just like a rabbit’s nose!” (Ok, that was dirty. And, if I understand the device correctly, incorrect.)
At this point, the smell of Ben Gay and adult diapers began to make me feel light headed, so I left.
Besides, I had gotten what I came for.
Its 12 hours later and I am still getting the occasional whiff of Ben Gay.
And for the record, while I was in the Coffee Bean, I counted the following:
2 oxygen tanks
2 little dogs
1 old guy, talking to himself
12 people with grey hair.
7 sets of bifocals
6 people that appeared under the age of 50 (Including 3 staff.