Shopping, the new extreme sport.

20 Dec

I hate shopping.

I realize how shallow that sounds.

There was a lot of evil crap going on over the weekend, so being pissy about shopping seems a little shitty on my part.

But while I acknowledge my shallowness, and I also avoid talking about it.

Moving on.

I had to venture to the mall for a Christmas gift.

Why? Because I am a moron.

Everything in the world is available on Amazon and Ebay, and at a better price.

So your christmas shopping is just a question of timing.

Maybe the caffeine got to me and made me a little loopy.

So, I am standing in the mall Starbucks, staring thru the front window at the “Unwashed masses”.

Its a scaring thing to contemplate.

I have been standing here for the last five minutes, sucking down caffeine courage and getting ready to enter the fray.

I throw away my empty venti cup, that has to be some sort of record for sucking down scalding hot coffee on my part.

My mouth is a little raw from the heat and dry from the fear.

Into the breach.

There is a Gamestop on the other side of the first floor that I need something for my boy.

The woman in front of me is shaped like a 1979 AMC Pacer, the one with the funky windows.

And she is taking baby steps, one inch at a time.

It occurs to be that chop-blocking the elderly in the mall is a sure ticket to jail, but the thought stayed in my head a little longer than was proper.

Best to distract myself.

I am also dealing with asthma this Xmas.

Nothing like wheezing in a crowded mall.

All I need to do now is get a serious case of the shits and I will have what I call the “Christmas Trifecta”.

On an odd note, the Pacer-woman has turned off, going into a store to shop.

Victoria Secret.

That is one of those vile mental pictures that is going to stay with me for awhile.

So much for the holidays.

Gamestop is every bit the overcrowded nightmare I expected, and it has the added bonus of having more than a dozen screaming unmanaged kids running around.

I can’t stand other peoples kids.

You can find them as special as you like, all I can see it the kids that will one day work for my kids if they’re lucky.

Its a wildly arrogant viewpoint, but it works for me.

The Gamestop cashier has that look of the small town boy going off to fight the Germans, kind of that, “I know I’m gonna die” kind of look.

Retail will do that to you.

But its the holidays.

Almost unbidden, it pops into my head, like I knew it would.

Twas the night before Christmas, yadda yadda yadda.

It has begun.

1 Comment

Posted by on December 20, 2012 in Uncategorized


One response to “Shopping, the new extreme sport.

  1. Diane mcKinley

    December 20, 2012 at 10:00 am

    The best as always. Good laugh first. Thing in the morning.


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