I have ADHD, kind of off the charts.
If you have followed this blog for any length of time, this is not shocking you.
And I don’t mean, some Dr. made a snap judgement to appease his drug rep and get a kickback.
I mean, I have been a hyper insomniac since birth prone to ripping the drapes off of the wall as a child kind.
Due to being a premmie, I spent a lot of time at Children’s hospital Los Angeles.
Before I could walk, they had my little walker on rollers secured by a length of twin, and I ran back and forth for hours.
That kind of ADHD.
Now I have more of a can’t shut my mouth and have a serious filter issue.
Never medicated as a child, mom never trusted ritalin, and she has pretty good instincts.
However, when we got my kids diagnosed, the Dr. decided to medicate me.
I tried to explain about my caffeine addiction and how I have the mild stimulant I need, but the Dr. was very persuasive.
She was pretty hot. (Sorry, but I am who I am. I also have a thing about lady Dr’s. Remind me to tell you about the hernia check story some time.)
So, I ended up with a 2 week supply of Wellbutrin.
I was not wild about the idea of it, the list of side effects was a pretty long one, and some nasty shit too.
This is from the literature:
“Call your doctor at once if you have a serious side effect such as:
- seizure (convulsions); (Yeah, I have a seizure, the doctor is going to hear from me.)
- fast heartbeats; (No way to know if thats just me, I do that without the Wellbutrin.)
- fever, swollen glands, rash or itching, joint pain, or general ill feeling; (Luckily, I don’t drink like I used to, that could just be a hangover.)
- confusion, trouble concentrating, hallucinations, unusual thoughts or behavior; (I would be shocked if I didn’t have this on a daily basis.)
- severe skin reaction — fever, sore throat, swelling in your face or tongue, burning in your eyes, skin pain, followed by a red or purple skin rash that spreads (especially in the face or upper body) and causes blistering and peeling.” (Sure thats not a good sunburn after an all night drunk? Mace will do that to you.)
There is one that they do not have on that list, and I really think they should put it on the list and highlight it.
There is an evil side to me that used to think that premature ejaculation would be an awesome thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I try to be a generous lover, but sometimes, its all about me.
Now, and here is where we get personal, I have mentioned my mastabatory habits before, so it will not shock anyone that, 3 days after I started on the Wellbutrin, I decided to engage in a little self abuse.
And I wasn’t planning anything freaky, either.
No grapefruit, mechanical devices, sit on my hand till its numb and give myself a “Stranger”, nothing like that.
Just a good honest jerk, as God intended.
Except that the Wellbutrin had other plans.
3, count em, 3, strokes into it, I had the odd sensation of being spit at, alone in a locked room.
Are you shitting me?
Oh, HELL no!
So, Wellbutrin was out.
I never went back to the hot lady Dr., despite her habit of wearing blouses with lots of cleavage and a Dr.’s lab coat. (Total porn film wardrobe, and I think she knew it.)
I decided to give coffee another try, and it has been good to me.
I know, a lot of people claim its not all that good for you.
Kind of like the beverage version of Ike Turner. (Another Ike Turner reference?)
While I am thinking about it, I should explain the Hernia check story.
I used to work in environmental clean up, mainly Asbestos and lead paint.
It is an industry that requires a yearly physical and a chest X-ray.
So I went because they paid me to go and it was like free money.
I am a money whore from way back.
Anyway, one year they made me an appointment at new clinic for the exam.
I filled out the paperwork and was shown to a dressing room and told to strip and get into a gown.
So, I am naked under a paper gown, wandering around the back room of the clinic, doing their tests.
And then they did it, they played their hole card, their big hand.
The nurse they assigned to me is an unbelievably well built, beautiful Latina.
The doctor is an incredible Nordic blonde.
And there is a LOT of touching going on when they pass each other.
Maybe its my evil mind generating fantasies, but dammit, you didn’t see them.
In the end, I was laying on an exam table, and told that the doctor would be in in just a moment for the hernia exam.
And then about 5 minutes passed.
And I started daydreaming.
And then the daydream turned filthy, we’re talking flat out porno going on in my head.
And then the doctor came in for the hernia exam.
I realized that I am rigidly at attention and creating a tentpole situation under the paper gown.
And there is not a damned thing I can do about it.
The doctor immediately went dead eyes at the sight, like a vietnam vet or a long time hooker.
I felt like such a sleazy asshole.
But then, it got worse.
I started laughing.
Call it a nervous reaction, but I could not stop.
With a “I am sick of your shit, asshole” sigh, the doctor pulled up the gown and checked my hernia, a little too briskly, but thats just my opinion.
It took literally 3 tries before I could stop laughing enough to cough.
By this time, she wasn’t even trying to hide her contempt.
She started then stopped herself from ripping me a new one before she finally stomped out of the room.
And that is the Hernia check story.
This blog may be a little longer than you are used to, but there was a lot of fairly embarrassing stuff to cover.
Now go wash your hands.