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Stallone is a zombie holocaust.

29 Nov

I am not sure what studio head Sylvester Stallone is sleeping with or which one he has pictures of raping a goat, but there has to be some sort of explanation.

How does he get movies green lighted?

There is no explanation of some of the films he has made since Rocky:

  • Tango and Cash – Long considered to be a crime against humanity by some.
  • Stop or my mother will shoot – Really? Do I need to go into details here? Its almost like a trick question.
  • Lincoln Hawk – Possibly the worst, and only, film about arm wrestling in history. This movie was banned in Bali, thats how bad it is.
  • Rhinestone – Stallone sings country music. There, I said it. Deal with that audio image in your head for the rest of your life.
  • Party at Kitty and Stud’s – Stallone’s 1970 contribution to porn. It was re-released in 1976 as The Italian Stallion to cash in on his Rocky fame. Not very good, even by porn standards.

 

So, it begs the question, why am I watching one of his films?

Like some sort of drug addled Alzheimer’s patient, here I sit, as if I have no clue the kind of freakish misery I am about to unleash on myself.

The Expendables.

With its entire Expendable cast.

If its a B-movie action star that has made a film in the last 25 years, he is in this film.

Its almost freakish to see how badly these poor guys are aging.

Dolph Lungren is almost unrecognizable as a single brain cell character named Cutter.

Stallone, whatever he has done to himself, at the same place Lungren goes to, almost approaches acting in this one.

Mickey Roarke, looking like he does, plays some sort of wisdom spewing tattoo artist.

Jet Li, formerly one of the most badass martial artists since Bruce Lee, kind of gets his ass beat in every fight and looks a lot like a frumpy accountant.

Arnold Schwarzenegger puts in a cameo as a competing mercenery.

I am not sure who has had more plastic surgery, him or Joan Rivers, but its close.

The only person in the whole film who both no longer has a career and yet is aging well, is Eric Roberts of all people.

The plot is pretty predictable, the cliches are many and wide spread, but the shitty film acting is not bad.

All in all, not a bad action film.

I watched that film because the Expendables 2 is coming out and it looked interesting.

I needed to see how big a waste of time and money it was going to be to see it.

The answer to that is pretty big.

But I will go see it anyway.

I learned a long time ago that just because a film sucks, does not mean you should not see it.

Otherwise zombie films would not exist.

Speaking of zombie films.

Without the entire backlog of crappy, low rent, zombie films out there, you would never have gotten a green light for the series, The Walking Dead.

Now that is a good film.

And there are no crappy action stars in it.

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2 Comments

Posted by on November 29, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

2 responses to “Stallone is a zombie holocaust.

  1. Rockstar

    November 29, 2012 at 10:00 am

    You’ve heard my story about the teens checking out the big Expendables cardboard stand up at the movie theatre, right? Where they were looking and had NO idea who any of the actors were? Made me feel old…

     
    • Bittermac

      November 30, 2012 at 3:10 pm

      You are old, sweetie

       

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