Does it make you feel dirty if a dog latches onto your leg and humps away?
What about a guy in a bar?
My parents have a new dog.
He is a little fuzzy dog who ended up there to keep from ending up at the pound.
The previous owners have new landlords who are anti pet.
So they had to get rid of the dog.
His name is Rocky, and he has his balls.
Why are you mentioning this, you might ask?
Because Rocky likes to hump anything that moves.
It has been a long time since I have had a dog that was not snipped.
And the snipping removes this type of behavior from the table.
So they have scheduled him for snipping next week.
At the same time I am thankful that when I had myself snipped, it did not remove my desire to hump every woman I know.
Back to Rocky.
He is a shih tzu, a breed that I know nothing about.
But he seems like a cool little guy, so they are going to keep him.
But now the humping thing is stuck in my head, but not in the sick way you might think.
Because it occurred to me that Rocky is like the rest of the guys, and by guys I mean human guys.
It might not be as obvious as grabbing a random woman’s leg, but it is very similar.
Let call it the Mental Proximity Hump. (MPH)
It goes a little something like this.
A guy gets within 10 feet of either a familiar or unfamiliar female and finds something attractive about her.
Look, smell, build, smile, eyes, laugh, voice…etc.
It can be just about anything, despite what some guys might claim about being picky, thats pretty much horse shit.
And then watch the guy slide into the MPH mode and start trying to work it.
There is a reason why that old metaphor of men being dogs has kind of stuck to guys as a gender for hundreds of years.
Mainly because its true.
Think I’m just talking bullshit?
Go into any bar on any given night, any bar that has more than 10 people in it and at least something close to an equal number of men and women.
And if you cannot identify at least half the men in the room engaging in some MPH behavior let me know because it would be a first.
And for those women who say, indignantly, “Not my guy”.
Please, let not add ignorant and naive to your resume, shall we?
Its not really our fault, much as women want it to be.
It has a lot to do with instinct and the survival of the species.
Its not nearly as noble as I am making it sound.
Its just that I get a little defensive.
You see, I am one of those dogs.