Move your own shit.

05 Nov

I have very carefully tried to eliminate all chance in my life of allowing others to shit on me.

But it still happens.

However, even as crappy as I can be, there is still one area of generosity that I do not restrict.

I help people move.

More than that, I am the “Get there early and stay late” guy.

And, of course, when you put it out there that you are available for residential relocation day labor, there is every chance that, at some point, a friend will decide to cover you with shit.

Well, hose me off in the yard, because it happened again.

And the one thing I don’t get is, when I move, its like the parking lot of a Home Depot ten minutes after the Border Patrol shows up.

Crickets, nobody there.

Ok, so that was a crappy line for a lot of reasons.

But, and this goes out to those who did laugh, you get to go to hell with me.

Just so you know.

Back to moving.

The rules of the unspoken “Moving help” etiquette is pretty cut and dried, hasn’t changed in decades.

If you are the helper, here are your top 3 rules to live by:

  • Show up. (Harder than you think. 50% don’t, and I personally never forget. The nickname “Bittermac” was created for a reason.)
  • Don’t bitch. (I will tell everyone you know that you whined like a pussy about the weight of my couch.)
  • Don’t leave early. (Who the hell leave after one load, I mean seriously?)

Rephrase them any way you want, it all comes down to more or less these three.

On the other end of things, is the “Movee”.

There are responsibilities on this end, and they are chiseled in stone, but you would be shocked how many people forget these simple guidelines:

  • Have your shit packed. (Don’t make me wait to move your shit while you are doing the “Hasty pack”. Or worse, ask me to help pack. Do I look like your mother. Retoric, don’t answer it, you’ll just piss me off further.)
  • Provide lunch. (Even shitty pizza or supermarket fried chicken will work here. Its not the quality, its the gesture that is important here.)
  • If I am hauling your shit in my car with a trailer attached, pay for gas. (Don’t ignore this one. I almost hauled their shit back to their old house. Cheap MF-er!)

The Moving Help side of things is really the lazier of the two, hence the 50% no show rate. This number is not made up.

At the opposite end of the responsibility spectrum is the Movee rules. This is a much more strict set of rules.

And you would be shocked how often Movee’s blow that off.

And I never forget.

You need my help in the future?

Tough shit.

I hope they throw your shit in the street and homeless people steal it.

And I mean that, sincerely.


Posted by on November 5, 2012 in Uncategorized


3 responses to “Move your own shit.

  1. Who needs a man

    November 5, 2012 at 8:12 am

    When I moved, all the strong men went missing. Thankfully I have an appliance dolly and furniture dollies.

    • Bittermac

      November 5, 2012 at 8:17 am

      Had I known, I would have been there.

  2. Elyssa

    November 5, 2012 at 8:51 am

    This is why I don’t make friends. I never have to help anyone move or take anyone to the airport.


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