By the way, your cat hates you.

23 Oct

Cat people are basically delusional.

They are convinced that their cat loves them.

That is just so cute, and really naive.

And keep in mind I am just telling you this because I care.

Here is the brutal truth.

Your cat hates you.

You might think that your cat naps a lot.

Not so.

Your cat spends all of its spare time thinking about how to kill you.

And be warned if you have children.

Because they especially hate children.

Furry minions of evil.

Some of you are saying, “No, not my cat”, yes, your cat too.

Plus, I am allergic.

There is nothing more annoying than to visit a friend and have a nice weezy visit because their himalayan is shedding its winter coat.

“He never climbs on a stranger’s chest like that, he must like you.”

Bullshit, a cat can spot an asthmatic from a 100 feet away.

Pop quiz.

What’s better than the best cat in the world?

Any dog.

Dog’s are loyal, friendly and affectionate.

All throughout history, dogs are depicted as protectors.

It is a documented fact that if there is a fire, your dog, will not only wake you, but drag your unconscious body out of the house if need be.

Cats will silence the alarms and quietly sneak out the back.

Its true.

So is it any wonder I am a dog person.

And yet, for a short, Twilight zone period of time back when I was married, I had a house full of rescued cats.

How can you do that? You might ask.

No clue.

I came home from work and they were there.

So, I did what any man might do in a tense household when cats are suddenly sprung on him.

Shut the hell up and ate my dinner.

Which is the wise thing to do.

Because women fall under the spell of these furry succubi in the blink of an eye.

Women will tell you that cats have all sorts of traits that they really don’t.

They are elegant, playful, affectionate, caring…blah, blah, blah.

Don’t fall for it.

They only reason they think that is because, late at night, when you are asleep, they crawl up on your pillow and whisper in your ear.

They lie to you, they say things only a child would understand.

They are especially bad for senior citizens.

Mainly because they sleep more.

That is why rich old people leave their fortunes to their cat, because they are brainwashed.

There is also an old legend that they will rob you of your soul while you sleep, but I am willing to admit that one is a bit far fetched.

I think I have made my case well enough, but lets recap.

Dogs? Selfless guardians of your children and your home. Man’s best friend.

Cats? Soulless minions of evil. Not to be trusted around grandma or your kids.

You’ve been warned.

Bad kitty.


Posted by on October 23, 2012 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “By the way, your cat hates you.

  1. Picnic and a Movie

    October 23, 2012 at 7:25 am

    He did like you. He didn’t blow his nose on you like he has done to every other guy he has met. And he didn’t back up and sit his butt on your face either. That he usually tries with everyone, but not you.

  2. bittermac

    December 3, 2013 at 10:18 am

    Not all about you.


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