Clarity comes to me at the oddest of times.
And when that happens, you can do one of two things.
You can either let it wash off of you like water off a ducks back.
Or, you can look at it and try to absorb it, taking what you can learn from it.
So here it is.
I am not a nice person.
That sounds so much worse than it is.
You have to apply my perspective to it.
I had a conversation the other day with someone whose opinion I value.
And I value different people for different things, but valuing an opinion is a rarity for me.
Its a based on experience kind of thing.
I almost never value someones opinion unless I have some sort of insight into what they have done in life.
So, when one of these people gives me something, I listen.
Except politics, but that is a different story. (One of the most valued opinions I know is just a mess politically. Otherwise, he saves lives daily. Props to you, you know who you are.)
Anyway, the problem starts with me being a rotten bully at times.
To the point that, pretty much only strangers will toe to toe it with me, mainly because I get nasty, or at least they think I will, which is kind of the same thing.
And when that happens, you tend to get further and further down that rude and surly road.
So, other than strangers whose opinions hold no value for me, I occasionally get something from someone special.
It seems I am mean.
The opinion was, a recent blog had an underlying tone of mean and sad.
My first reaction is defensive, can’t get around those defensive instincts.
And then, like with most things, I begin to analyze the shit out of it.
And this is what I have found.
The tone of this blog, by intent, by accident and by chance, has always been snarky and sarcastic.
In the beginning, it was reporting on the nasty, awkward behavior of others.
But then, the whole Bittermac persona kind of took on a life of its own.
Someone I was dating during the first year of the blog regularly made the comment that I needed to apply a filter to myself.
Its like, even when I was done writing tomorrows blog, I am still Bittermac, preying on those around me like a writing weasel in the henhouse.
But what do I do about that?
That is the other thing I have been chewing on.
I don’t want to stop writing this blog, for reasons that I will not share, but are not what you would guess they are.
So I won’t.
I think the idea of a filter is not such a bad idea.
But not with the idea of muzzling myself.
More like filtering to remove the shit from the mix.
And since it took more than a year to get to this place with the blog, its going to take time to get somewhere else.
But the journey is sure to be interesting.
Thanks for listening.