You gotta know when to hold em…

10 Oct

So I am in the market for another car.

Shopping for car’s in the internet age is like being forced to do gay porn to pay the rent.

You really hate it, its humiliating and in the end, its rare you don’t just feel screwed.

Ok, so maybe I am being a little bit overly dramatic, but still.

And when you are buying at one of the many methods of car finding in the internet age, there is a definite feeling of being overwhelmed.

For me, its a tough call as to what I hate more, buying a new car or a nasty case of “Hiccupping diarrhea”. (Don’t google, I made it up.)

And heres why:

3 calls to private seller on Craig’s list:

  • Turns out the car listed had been impounded for expired tags, and if I will just wait a few days, he’ll knock off $200 for my patience. (I hung up before he asked me to help bail the car out.)
  • I ask about the car and immediately informed about 2 typos. The car is actually 5 years older, and the mileage is 50K more. (Telling me the car is older and more warn out is hardly the way to close the deal.)
  • The car is a phenomenal deal and can I pay cash? Will I be coming alone? I’m not a cop am I? Cause the guy selling the car just got out of jail and doesn’t need “That shit”. (And when they find my body in a ditch, bury me in my blue suit, thats always been my favorite.)


3 calls to car dealers on Craig’s List:

  • Hung up on, twice. (The second time, I heard shouting in the background. Good knows what’s doing over there.)
  • I asked for the car in the ad and was told it had just sold, but they have better cars to show me, when can I come down?  (I hung up and called back. I asked for a car name that doesn’t exist and I was told the same thing.)
  • I was told that the car I was asking about was being repaired and should be running “Any day now”. (Then don’t list the car as being in “Perfect condition.”)


I don’t get it, can’t someone just list a car they want to sell, I call, go look at it, and buy the damn thing?

Evidently not.

So I went to a car lot.

There is a nasty looking little lot just down the street from my place.

I didn’t go there to get a car, I went there to stir the pot.

Its what I do.

First off, you never drive onto a car lot.

If you do, you are announcing that you are now prey.

And God help you then.

I approach on foot, and managed to get past the first line of cars before I am approached by a sweaty older guy in a cheap suit.

The sweaty I don’t get. Its chilly out and he walked up.

“Looking for a car?” Awesome opening line, I mean, being in a car lot and all.

“Do you take trade in’s?”

His eyes light up at this. If he can browbeat me into giving my car up for next to nothing, he can sell me a car now, get paid, then sell someone else my car tomorrow and get paid again.

“Sure, whatcha got?” No shit, he strokes his chin.

I look around, “54 Edsel. Doesn’t run, can you guys tow it in?”

The light seems to go out of his eyes. He suspects I am screwing with him.

Good instincts, cause I am.

“What can you tell me about this car?” I reach out and slap the hood of a car.

“You got a good eye, there.” (Just for the record, I have a lazy eye, so he might be counter-screwing with me, hard to tell.)

“Then why is there a puddle of oil under it?” I am now just making shit up at random.

I actually feel bad as he gets to his sweaty hands and knees in his cheap suit.

The fine line between having fun at someone elses expense and just being an asshole has just been crossed.

Bad karma, serves me right.

I let him know I may be back, and head out.

There is a song called the Gambler that talks about knowing when to walk away.

I know my cue when I hear it.


GET THE BITTERMAC EBOOK ——————————————————–>


Posted by on October 10, 2012 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “You gotta know when to hold em…

  1. LaVicki

    October 10, 2012 at 9:23 am

    Wow…Willy you have just wrote the funniest line… EVEAH on your blog!!!!!!!!!!!

    “Just for the record, I have a lazy eye, so he might be counter-screwing with me, hard to tell”

  2. Bittermac

    October 16, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    My favorite is the line about burying me in my blue suit.


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