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Protect yourself at all times.

09 Oct

We live in a different world than the one we grew up in.

When I was in high school, you knew what a condom was, but rarely saw them.

There was a lot more guess work to sex back then.

Now days? The kids are putting condoms on bananas in class in grade school.

There was a funny line in the movie Austin Powers that shows the difference a few decades can make in how you view contraception.

“I hope you wore a condom when you were with her.”

“Only sailors wear condoms.”

“Not anymore.”

“Well they should, filthy buggers, they go from port to port.”

I loved that movie.

Back to condoms.

I haven’t used them in years, so I did some research.

And the state of the art of condoms is stunning.

I remember when lubricated condoms were the new-fangled shit.

Now, the lubrication is dialed in, almost like a drug, to enhance her pleasure.

Just for the record, there was a time in history where “Her pleasure” was not being beaten or dying in childbirth.

Can’t help but think that this is better.

However, I have been advised by someone claiming to use said product and she says they put menthol in it to produce a clitoral tingle.

I would be more concerned with possible chemical burns on your business.

Your lady business.

I decided to do some research.

According to MaxiQT in the customer reviews on Amazon, the stuff has the same consistency as 10W40 motor oil and will destroy your sheets and mattress if you don’t get the cap on tight.

One review, written by ItchyCoochie (HA!) claims that it can cause a rash closely resembling hives.

There is another product that claims to be just for her pleasure, a gel that claims to “designed for women and tested by women to maximize the female sexual experience and drive.”

A sampling of a 5 star rating and a 1 star rating.

5 Star: “Its like having your clitoris bitch slapped!”

Is that really what your after, ladies?

1 Star: “My wife and I concluded that it felt like someone took a blow torch to our netherlands.”

Houston, we have a problem.

I think part of the problem is that our expectations have gotten to be too high.

Someone told us the bar has to be ridiculously high.

Dammit, sex used to be a dirty secret that you kept your mouth shut purely out of shame alone, and we liked it that way.

Now days? If your sex life isn’t a big budget porn film, you are going to find yourself single pretty damn quick.

And the condoms are no longer standard.

They are ribbed, bumped, and some even have little rubber wigglys that are the condom equivalent of skin tags.

Which is pretty damn nasty if you think about it.

Sex has turned into something else.

Like sex as brought to you via an infomercial.

Where the product seems awesome but the voice in the back of your head tells you it might be pretty crappy.

And somehow, the four easy payments are in there somewhere.

But at least the pleasure side of it is now dutch treat. (Google it, for Christ’s sake!)

 

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4 Comments

Posted by on October 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

4 responses to “Protect yourself at all times.

  1. Sexpert

    October 9, 2012 at 8:56 am

    Men liked it being a dirty secret because then it was all about a woman pleasing a man. Now, a woman requires that a man wants and tries to please her in the bedroom.

     
    • Bittermac

      October 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm

      What a cute theory!

       
  2. ProtectYourselfatAllTimes

    October 9, 2012 at 8:02 pm

    Protect Yourself at All Times, indeed!

    The skin tags reference made me chuckle.

     
    • Bittermac

      October 10, 2012 at 1:18 am

      Its a creepy little visual picture.

       

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