Who ya gonna call?

14 Sep

I was listening to a numerologist today that was on the phone to someone, pontificating about their life.

It seems the person on the other side of the phone had just lost their job one morning.

So she went over to her boyfriend’s house to tell him the bad news and be comforted.

She got there just in time to catch him shagging one of his neighbors.

Now if she got hit by a car that would be the trifecta of shitty days.

In situations like this, I am completely sympathetic, but I use humor.

Not so with Numerology girl.

“He’s a 2, you’re a 7, it was doomed from the start.”

The only thing worse than an I told you so friend is a new age friend touting some sort of pseudo science to say I told you so.

I don’t even know this woman. I have been in her presence for less than 5 minutes and I can’t stand her.

Numerology is bad enough, but she is what I call the “High Maintenance Woman.”

Its all there, the arrogant entitlement, the “I’m the expert” attitude, and, last by not least, her cup.

The side of her paper Starbucks cup reads like hieroglyphics.

I have no clue what she is drinking, but I can count 10 separate instructions on her cup.

She’s difficult.

I find that very annoying.

By contrast, my drink has one ingredient.


Well, hot water.

I add the Via instant coffee to it, and drink it.

This is a simple recipe, to be repeated if necessary.

I prefer things simple.

Right up until they get complicated.

Being a smartass when things get complicated is a helpful thing.

Dr. Oz agrees, so its all good.

I never found out what happened to the woman who lost her job and boyfriend in the same day.

And maybe thats a good thing.

Because other than being a sad thing, I don’t care what happens to her.

Thats not being selfish, thats called triage.

I have a select group of friends in my life that I care about.

And I am available for their problems, not everyone elses.

Yes, that makes me a little rude, but it also makes me an awesome friend.

Now, if the sad girl on the phone was a friend of mine, I would give a shit and talk to her.

I would also arrange for some cruel world types I know to go over and batter him till he shits himself as a reminder that infidelity is a sin, with the penalty taken out on his flesh.

Old Testament style.

(Please don’t riot and burn down embassy’s over that line, I didn’t even mention HIM.)

Moving on.

The true bad guy in this whole scenario is Numerology Girl.

She really is a waste of space and an entirely too complicated drink.

Not because I think Numerology is a joke, which I do, by the way.

But because her roll as friend is not to chastise the friend when she’s that low.

It to tell her what an awesome broad she is, and her former boss and boyfriend are assholes and should get some sort of disease that makes their balls fall off.

So, while Numerology Girl is amusing on occasion, however rare they may be.

I am still the one to call when the shit hits the fan.



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Posted by on September 14, 2012 in Uncategorized


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