He don’t know, and you can’t tell him.

07 Sep

“You never do shit for me, David.”

Imagine the first part of that sentence being said almost casually, with very little inflection.

But the raised voice his on his name makes the whole thing shine.

David, for his part, didn’t even flinch.

Hell, I don’t think he even heard it.

Maybe he’s deaf?

Which would make her cruel for bitching at her deaf boyfriend, instead of just whiny.

I am in line at Starbucks, where else?

David is standing with his nose an inch from the bakery case, fogging up the glass in his attempt to eat pastry thru the glass with his eyes.

No clue what her name is.

“You want a pastry, Nat?” David finally turns away from the foggy glass, looking like a 5 year old on Christmas morning.

Nat. Natalie? Perfect. I hate that name.

I really need to quit being so judgemental, but writing these blogs makes that near impossible.

“No, David, I do not want a pastry.” If sarcasm was a physical thing, it would be dripping on the foggy glass.

For the next few minutes,  I listen to Natalie castigate David over everything he does, or she believed he did.

And it is like water off a duck’s back for David. the man has transcended his bitchy girlfriend to a happier state of mind.

How the hell do you get there?

Because, lets face it, there are a LOT of Natalie’s out there.

And society is to blame.

Check the media.

I just watched a commercial where a woman is riding in a bicycle marathon.

Every time she looks up, there is her boyfriend, holding encouraging signs.

And, as she rides across the finish line, the boyfriend is sitting on a car hood, eating pizza.

Pause, 2 beats, focus on the shock on her face.

And then he opens the pizza box to show he has written “I love you.”

Isn’t that just the CUTEST GODDAM THING EVER?

Its also the most unreal thing ever.

I personally know of 5 women I grew up with that would have torn his testicles out before he could open the box.

One or two would still do it after they saw the I love you just to keep it real.

They would be driving home with his balls hanging from the mirror.

I think commercials like this are a bad thing.

It gives women the wrong idea.

Sets an expectation that guys do not have a shot of living up to.

The commercial was written by a team of paid marketing pros.

And guys are just on their own.

We might get lucky with the occasional cool thing.

But the odds are against being able to sustain it.

So I would like to send out a little something to the ladies out their.

Cut us a break.

We are not the guy from 50 Shades of Grey.

We are not a love sick vampire with serious hair.

We are the same guys that you kind of fell for prior to thinking we were romantic magicians.

Because too many out there are Natalie’s.

And not that many of us are David’s.



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Posted by on September 7, 2012 in Uncategorized


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