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Monthly Archives: September 2012

Welcome to TV land!

I am in a time warp.

I’m at home and I just finished watching the Dick Van Dyke show.

Sidebar: Dick Van Dyke was the most talented man in Hollywood.

And Mary Tyler Moore was a stunning piece of early 60’s piece of ASS.

Andy Griffith is on next.

I will be staying up late to watch Get Smart.

There is a new cable channel dedicated to old TV shows.

Its awesome.

They were good shows, but they also remind us of when we were kids.

This is before bills, work, relationships and STDs became stress points in our lives.

And you didn’t even know what masturbation meant.

There are times I would give anything to get that monkey off my back.

But enough of that, back to Andy and a young Ron Howard.

Ron has done well since this show first aired.

He is one of the better Producer/Directors in Hollywood.

Good for him.

Andy taught him well.

Andy was the shit when it comes to small town cop that does not carry a gun.

A man’s man with a thick country accent.

And his ginger son with no mother in evidence. (We’re not going there)

And you could tell Opie would lit out of that small town as soon as he could after high school.

Its nice to see a good boy from a small town doing well in the big city.

Looking at the show guide and I may be staying up till 2am to watch a 2 hour block of MASH.

God, I miss that show.

Alan Alda was a screaming liberal, but Hawkeye was the MAN!

I have always dreamed about buying the entire run of that show on TV.

At that point, you almost HAVE to hunker down for an entire weekend and watch them all.

Go from 5pm Friday when you get off of work to Monday 5am, when you shower and drag your exhausted ass to work.

36 straight hours. Seasons 1 thru 11 without stopping.

Order pizza in, no showers, empty 5 hour energy shot bottles littering the floor.

Like a meth head on a binder.

It would be incredible.

Personally abusive, but incredible.

Definitely not the sort of thing you post on FaceBook.

Some people get this, and the rest are shaking their heads.

To each his own.

Television was the best friend of most of us growing up.

It never judged, always told you what it thought and it was always available to play.

I think I have just had an epiphany about television.

There has always been a certain element of delightful “Out of sight, out of mind.” to watching television.

No matter how bad life gets, it can wait till this weeks episode is over.

Because we know it will still be there when we’re done.

 

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Posted by on September 28, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Carmageddon will kill us all!

Carmageddon is coming to Los Angeles.

And we’re all gonna die.

Carmageddon, for those whose televisions have been broken for the last few weeks, is the temporary closing of the 405 freeway at the Sepulveda pass in Los Angeles.

Its to fix an overpass.

And it may be the end of all we hold dear.

At least, that is what the news claims, anyway.

Talk about trying to crank up the hysteria for the ratings.

I was watching the coverage this morning and I don’t think I have ever seen a bunch with such a hard on for hopeful misery this weekend.

At least not since last time they did this.

That was last year.

And they cranked up the hysteria like nobodies business.

Businesses were going to close, uninformed people were going to be stranded, the elderly were going to be denied desperately needed medicine, ALL HELL WAS GOING TO BREAK LOOSE!

And then a funny thing happened.

Nothing.

Zip, goose egg.

People hardly noticed.

The news stuck their feet as deep in the shit as they could and then tried to act like they didn’t.

I can still smell the stink and it been a year?

The question mark is on the previous sentence because it was such a non-event I can’t even remember when the first one happened.

But that is kind of the new’s job, to get us cranked up about shit we wouldn’t even care about unless they told us.

Now before you trot out that ONE person actually affected by the first one, consider this:

This is LA, someone is ALWAYS being inconvenienced and, seriously, nobody gives a shit.

New York is well known for their “I don’t give a shit about you” attitude.

California is the overwhelming sleeper winner of this contest.

Its not even close.

California is just a real laid back about it.

But the “Fuck you” is there, implied and understood.

There is not a city in this country that cares less about you.

I don’t count Washington DC, mainly because the government is not a city, I think of it as a voracious beast ready to tear out your throat without warning. (Story for another time.)

Back to LA.

LA gets a bad rap anyway.

You can go to any other part of the country, and not only do they have weaker nightlife and a lot less variety, but their natural disasters are worse.

When I was in the Army, my group was typical, from all over.

One night, we got to talking about natural disasters.

One guy from Oklahoma said that there was not one uncle, cousin, no one that had not had their house NOT destroyed by a tornado at one time or another.

And yet, they still live there.

Another guy from Mississippi said that while he was growing up, their house was washed away by the Mississippi river 3 times.

AND THEY KEEP REBUILDING!

Here is the weird part.

When I mentioned Los Angeles, with its better weather, hotter women, and lack of tornados and Mississippi river, everyone said without fail that they would never move to LA because they don’t want to die in an earthquake.

Now, I have lived in Los Angeles my entire life, and I have worked  up a grand total of $1.50 in earthquake damage.

I didn’t get it then and I don’t get it now.

Doesn’t matter..

We’ll all be dead by Monday, anyway.

 

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Posted by on September 27, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Jurassic Starbucks

The dinosaurs ruled the earth for a hell of a long time.

I saw something on National Geographic channel that helped put it all into perspective.

If you think about the amount of time that man has been on the planet and how long the dinosaurs were on the planet, think of it like a 24 hour period.

The dinosaurs ruled for 23 hours 59 minutes and 45 seconds.

Man has been around for that last 15 seconds.

That is a hell of a long amount of time for the dinosaurs.

And what does all of this have to do with coffee and modern day?

The tyrannosaurus have invaded Starbucks.

Ok, so they are not real ones, but close enough.

There are two little old ladies sitting at my preferred round table.

Ancient, these little biddies look to be in their 80’s, and not an “Aging well” 80’s neither.

But the whole reason I named them the tyrannosaurus is because they hold their arms up at shoulder height, with their elbows in tight.

Just like the dinosaurs mentioned above.

Also, and this may be what fixated them in my mind, is that, right at the exact moment I was standing in line and looked over at them, the couple ahead of me began discussing Jurassic Park.

And, like a shitty song that gets locked into your head, to replay over and over again, the name came to me.

Along with a slight giggling fit.

The line is moving and my inability to stop laughing is getting worse.

And this isn’t even that funny.

“What’s so funny Will?”

The cashier is looking at me with his head canted to the side like a dog that heard an odd noise.

I discretely point over at the old ladies, then mimic the dinosaur arms and say one word to him.

“Tyrannosaurus.”

He chuckles softly the whole time he is getting my coffee.

As I am cream and sugaring, I find myself watching the Tyrannosaurus closely.

Other than the arms and their age, there is absolutely nothing remarkable about them.

I sit down at the table next to them and begin surfing the net.

And then I see it, edge of my peripheral vision.

The cashier is whispering to the barrista, and pointing.

At the little old biddies.

Snickering breaks out from behind the barrista station.

I begin to watch this unfold with growing alarm as more employees begin to cluster behind the station to find out what is so funny.

So there is an outbreak of coffee prairie dogs, popping their heads up to peak.

And this is seriously not that funny.

But that isn’t slowing this down.

A few inquisitive customers are now being whispered to at the pick up counter.

What the hell?

Its like a virus, spreading out of control.

The two people at the cream and sugar kiosk both look over their shoulders at the old ladies and stifle their laughs.

And then, just as confusingly as it started, its over.

Like the whole room just collectively realized it was not funny.

Gonna be a long day.

 

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Posted by on September 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

The legend of King Salami.

There are things in life we are never going to be proud of, no matter how far back in the past they are.

This is where that kind of deep down scandalous shame lives and eats at you for decades, but only late at night, when you are at your weakest.

There is a quote that goes something like, “The only thing necessary for evil to flourish is for good men to remain silent.”

And that is where I come in.

It is a tough thing to admit you don’t have a big penis.

Not exactly something you shout from the rooftops.

Maybe some backstory is necessary here.

I tend to be cynical and somewhat sarcastically rude, always have been.

But every now and then, someone decides I am their best friend.

If its a woman, what this ultimately means is, we are not going to have sex.

The friend zone sucks.

Anyway, when I was about 18, I managed to pick up a new “friend”.

Lovely girl, just broke up with her boyfriend and was crying about it on the phone to me.

In my head, I think I was trying to figure how to parlay her heartache into a naked wrestling session.

I know, what a dick.

Anyway, in the middle of the phone call, my older brother, who happened to be celebrating something by having gotten hideously drunk, got on the extension.

This was back when people had house lines.

The conversation went something like this:

“I’m on the phone.”

“Oh, sorry, sorry, was just going to make a call.”

“Ok, then get off the line.”

“Who are you talking to?”

INSERT SOUND OF GIRL SOBBING INTO PHONE.

“Why is she crying?”

“She broke up with her boyfriend.”

“Shit, that sucks. Hey Honey? I can fix your problem here.”

“Get off the phone.”

“I’m trying to help here.”

“Honey, the best way to get over an old boyfriend is to get under a new one. You are talking to my little brother here, and he can solve all your problems. He’s the King Salami, a genuine horse for christ’s sake!”

“Get off the phone.”

He got off the line, and the conversation remained fairly miserable.

And it would have ended there.

But I made a tragic mistake.

I told someone about it.

Not claiming it was true, but just relating the whole story.

And it was their idea to spread the word.

And the rumor took on a life of its own.

It went viral before Youtube even existed.

And to my shame, I never corrected anyone.

It was an interesting form of celebrity that I had never experienced before.

I liked it.

And then the inevitable happened.

Someone called me on it.

Worse, a woman called me on it.

I have used the term size queen before on this blog and I need to use it again here.

I was asked out, bought dinner, taken back to her place, properly seduced, and then all hell broke loose.

Size queens, it seems, are easily disappointed.

This was not a fun experience, during or after.

What had been an incredibly hot, flirty evening became a glaring angry question and answer session with only one outcome.

So I let that be a lesson.

Don’t lie about shit you can’t fake, because someone, in this case a wildly hot woman in a peekaboo nightie, will call you on it.

And then you have another rumor going around about the size of your genitals.

And that rumor is not as much fun.

 

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Posted by on September 25, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Make sure you pack clean underwear.

I personally think its impossible to get thru your teens, 20’s, 30’s and into your 40’s without baggage.

And I don’t think of kids as baggage.

Kids are the whole reason you go down that path, whether you realize it or not.

Some people either forget that or never realize that.

Its an instinct thing.

Herpes, now that is an example of negative baggage, but that is not the point I am making.

Fear of commitment, anger management issues, trust issues…etc.

Issue type issues.

That is baggage.

And its the type of baggage that can get you more baggage.

I have used the phrase, “You gotta find someone who’s bags match yours” before, but I was to explain what I mean.

It’s not just a catchy phrase.

Its like the anger management thing.

I have a couple of friends that have always had issues with their temper and their mouth, especially their mouth when their temper is up.

But each guy’s partner has different baggage and it affects the mix differently.

The first guys wife is a clueless dippy with little sense that likes to bait him.

I have waited for years for that fateful phone call that he killed her.

That line is only half kidding, by the way.

The second guy’s wife has past experience in counselling.

And he can be defused by her before he ever gets too cranked up.

It really is nice to see.

However, the second wife has a rare enough skill set that you wish occurred more often.

But, like diamonds, if you could find them everywhere, we wouldn’t value them as much.

And that seems sad.

One of the worst types of baggage you can have is a bad relationship.

Because once they end, the big piece of baggage splinters into multiple pieces of baggage.

And they morph and change, but generally eat away at you like radiation.

I know people who spend the rest of their lives dealing with the aftermath of the tragically bad relationship.

I may know something about this.

The best you can hope for is that, in the long run, you keep yourself open to opportunities and try not to shut sections of yourself down out of fear or reflex.

That being said, to use the old hippy adage, if it feels good do it.

One of the baggages you can pick up is a misplaced sense of trying to please people who are no longer in your life.

I had a divorced woman I have known for quite a long time admit to me that she does not let people she knows meet any of the men she has slept with since she got divorced.

She does this because she doesn’t want anyone to think she’s a “Slut”.

Who are these people?

As near as I can figure, it was whatever gaggle of rude judgemental bitches she ran with in high school.

Here is the truth, “Slut” is a high school term for a girl who’s jealous friends wish they could make out with the hot guy she was with.

Its what I like to call  a “Rotten jealous bitch” term.

And it really belongs in high school if at all.

Once you get out of your teens, if you decide to sleep with a guy, you are an empowered woman who knows what she wants.

And good for you.

In the end, I kind of think about it like the latin phrase, “Primum non nocere”

Translation – “First, do no harm”

And that counts if you’re naked or not.

 

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Posted by on September 24, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

WTF is not just for texting.

I was going to write a line about how losing your car keys is like some sort of mental/emotional nightmare, but I managed to stop myself.

Restraint? WTF?

I recently rewatched Nightmare on Elm St, possibly the most twisted horror film I have ever seen.

Ok.

It was bad enough that I feel like a whiny ass for even writing that line.

Unusual feeling for me, because I have written some foul shit on this blog without even pausing.

So, my somewhat pathetic minor annoyance at losing my car keys this morning has shot my day all to hell.

How sad.

I am currently in the middle of a working out binge, but being forced to bicycle commute because I am a dumbass with short term memory issues.

Maybe its Karma’s way of telling me to step it up.

I wouldn’t put it past Karma to screw with me.

Karma and I have a bit of a love/hate relationship.

I rip Karma on a regular basis for not doing its job consistently.

I want the evil to suffer, the righteous to prevail and such.

And Karma is severely hit or miss on this subject.

But, if Karma worked consistently, we wouldn’t even need laws.

And there is a difference between having a dirty mind and being evil.

A dirty mind is harmless, more or less.

Unless of course, you are one of those high strung people that lives a life of totally denying dirty exists, and when you run across it, you freak like there’s shit on your shoe.

I seem to run into those people all the time.

There are more of them than you think.

But at least I have a little patience, or at least time my descent into dirty a little slicker.

Because timing is everything.

Here is a perfect example.

A friend of mine told me about an encounter she had the other night at a concert club.

She ran into a guy that grew up locally.

And here is the first three things he said to her.

1. Oh, you went to #### High School? I went to #### High, just down the road.

2. Do you come to these shows often?

3. You should text me some sexy pics.

Let me make it perfectly clear that I am in favor of sexting when you know each for more than 5 minutes, but good Lord, dude!

As quick as this guy was off the start, I am shocked he didn’t whip it out and start jerking off at the table.

And trust me, nothing starts the party quicker than a little public masturbation.

But its that kind of lack of control that makes all men look bad.

Now, I am not providing excuses for this guy, but the woman in question is stunning and, in that sort of venue, drinking was involved.

God knows I have probably done worse, but its been awhile.

So the end result is that men look a little bit worse, women have their guard up a little bit more, and the whole game just got a little bit harder for everyone.

Nice going, dude.

 

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Posted by on September 21, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

Devil with the new suit.

There is serious business going on at the little mexican restaurant around the corner from my house.

The main player is a tall guy in what appears to be a really expensive suit.

I say appears because I used to dress formal business for work and I know suits.

What he is wearing is one of those “3 suits for $200 dollars” and they soak you for the tailoring.

The end result looks nice, but the material is usually pretty cheap.

But the sloppy looking bunch at the table with him are buying it.

The question is….what’s he pitching?

And he has to be pitching something.

Call me cynical, but it all comes down to buying, selling or recruiting, and various combinations of the three.

This is really where the sales background makes me an untrusting asshole that assumes everyone is a theif.

Except that I am usually right.

He could be selling cell phones.

But the venue is wrong, the suit is too much, and its a sale you make with the product in their hands. Let them fall in love with it.

I would venture that he is selling some sort of financial scheme, except that these kids don’t look like they have two fucking nickels to rub together. Just this side of Occupy types.

Religion comes to mind.

The suit fits, except that the guy’s hands are on the table and not moving.

Every time I run into someone talking religion in a public place, they gesture with their hands a lot.

And it stops being a stereotype when it is true every time you see it.

And that leaves recruiting.

For what?

The answer comes a few minutes later.

This guy is the evil task master and I am trying hard not to laugh my ass off.

Here is his pitch.

“Ok, I am going to take a chance on you guys because I like you.”

“You have to be moving the whole 4 hours, waving that fucking sign at traffic.

“I see you stop moving for 1 second and you don’t get paid for the whole day.”

Where do I start?

I love the affection at the beginning, moving into the dire threats and promises of refusing to pay.

I will tell you right now that there is no way in hell that he is paying them any way but under the table.

I would feel bad if these kids were teens, but these are guys in their 20’s, but from the general look and feel, these guys have never had a job.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

The world needs ditch diggers.

 

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Posted by on September 20, 2012 in Uncategorized