This was going be the last reunion post.
However, there will be another one tomorrow, turns out that there was some staff drama and other stuff that no one saw but me and a select few others saw..
Now, despite the obnoxious focus of the previous posts, this one will be about the actual reunion business.
The official scheduled things that went on.
Normally, I don’t focus on that stuff, mainly because it is rarely upsetting or rude.
Unless of course you have a particularly nasty sense of humor.
All reunions have one thing in common.
The kind of awards you groan when you hear them, but you fully expect to hear them.
Who travelled the farthest? Who has the most kids?
And why is it always the quiet timid ones that seem to have been in labor since graduation?
And why would someone who fled the vicinity after graduation and moved as far away as physically possible, come back to this place?
The highlight of the award ceremony were two awards for the same thing.
Unmarried, without kids.
The guy’s version was called the “Lonely Boy”.
And the award was actually, specifically useful.
A box of tissue paper and some hand lotion.
That is one of those things that everyone acts like it doesn’t happen.
Its a simple fact that adult men masturbate like absolute fiends at times, trying to tear it out by the root it would seem to the casual observer.
We do, and despite whatever your personal opinion might be, it is what it is.
The ladies are somewhat disgusted and the guys are slowly nodding their head with a sad look on their faces.
The ladies version of the award was even better.
It was called “Hey there Lonely Girl”.
And the prize?
A picture frame with cats on it, so she can have a nice frame for a picture of all of her cats.
BECAUSE SHE HAS A LOT OF FUCKING CATS.
The first thing out of the winners mouth was, “Oh, thats perfect, I have a good picture of my cats for this!”
Of course she does.
I often wonder what happens to people that go down that whole too many cats road.
I think they just keep getting more and more cats until they die alone and the cats eat them.
God I am a vicious asshole sometimes, but I just can’t quit laughing at that line.
Thankfully, I did not win the award for having lost the most hair, not because I haven’t lost that much, but because there are a few guy’s I went to high school with that have gone flat out bald.
Better them than me.
I do my best to avoid the people that have the most kids.
I have a hard time seeing any beauty in any children other than my own and a seriously hard time keeping my mouth shut about it.
Tends to make things a little tense with the old friend and it always upsets the wives.
Besides, I have nothing in common with someone who thinks trowling out 9 children is normal.
I mean, who does that?
I can’t even look the wife in the face.
If I did I am not sure I could stop myself from warning her that at some point her uterus is going to drop to the floor and scurry away like a rat.
And the husband is worse.
I always think that any man that keeps his wife that consistently pregnant is secretly trying to kill her.
The one thing that I found the most interesting was the fact that I, and I assume everyone else, were happy when they didn’t win an award.
Farthest travelled? I don’t know that I liked everyone enough in high school to trek cross country.
Most kids? I have a boy and a girl, declared the game over and got a vasectomy. Case closed.
Most Tattoos? I plan on getting more tattoos, but I notice the people with a lot of tattoos usually have a lot of junk ink that look like prison tats.
Never married, no kids? We’ve gone over this.
Lost the most hair? (Could also be called most divorces)
Most changed? Who gained or lost the most weight/Had the most surgery.
In the end, I won no awards.
And I am good with that.
Its kind of like the end of the movie Wargames. (1980-ish, Matthew Broderick)
The computer is going to end the world and Matthew teaches it to play a futile game until it realizes the only way to win,
Is not to play at all.
Due to circumstances beyond my control – 3 of 5 now.
PERHAPS THOSE BUTTONS ARE AN ILLUSION.