I am getting too old for reunions.

16 Jul

High school reunions are a dicey business.

There is the chance they are going to go right, but there is SO much chance of things taking a turn for the worse.

I am not sure how it happened, but I ended up at a high school reunion for a year I wasn’t even there for.

In reality, I hung out with several years of graduates, so it was nice to see everyone.


Everyone changes after high school, usually for the better.

And some don’t.

And some do in a really good way.

But, any event that has a cash bar is ripe for interesting behavior.

Now, in all fairness, I don’t have any hard evidence that blondes drink more out of control than brunettes, this is just an observation.

But the out of control blonde that fell multiple times, and knocked over a few tables was priceless.

Something happens to people when they get out of the house for the first time in a long time.

Especially when they get out of the house to see old friends that they used to party with.

In short, they go ape shit.

While it is entirely possible that this is a average Friday for the girl, lets call her “The Suspect”, it is more likely that she is dealing with PTA during the week and yelling “Ay, batter, batter, batter” in the bleachers at a little league game on the weekend.

But now the Suspect is in the company of people that have held her head out of the toilet while she puked back during her formative days.

And IT’S ON like Donkey Kong.

Shots raining down like a gun fight, and a pretty steady IV of Jack and coke is a recipe for disaster in any book.

Let me describe the “Epic three” as I like to think of it.

The first fall was just a backwards foot trip with a low difficulty factor.

The Suspect grabbed the guy next to her and hauled his ass down with her, and that really raised the difficulty level.

It was done so skillfully that I began to wonder if the guy was drunk on his ass, despite the fact that I knew he had just got there and I had bought him his first drink.

The second fall was brilliant and had a high difficulty level.

Drunk people do not sneak well.

Especially when they have one broken heel and still insist on wearing the remaining good heel.

And they have been carried down stairs because walking was not an option.

So it begins with a drunken ninja sneak up the stairs, with 1 heel.

The Suspect lurched across the room like poetry in motion.

Peroet, start to sit, somehow fly back an extra few feet, shoot off the back of the chair, flipping the table on the way to the floor.

The centerpiece flew a solid 10 feet, I paced it off.

First comment from the crowd?

“How the hell did she get back up here?”


The third and final fall was like the final number in an opera, tragic and predictable.

And I almost missed it.

There had been several allusions to me providing a ride, but I am really just not that helpful.

You don’t board the train right before it crashes.

The valet had just brought me my car when the Suspect was escorted from the building by a combination of friends and restaurant staff.

The first group to make sure she got home ok, the second group just to make sure she left.

I saw her go down and from my angle, it looked like she got her arm down and then laid down on her back.

So I drove off, she was just taking a little dirt-nap.

What I missed, having a bad angle and being maybe 50 feet away, was the fact that she smacked her head.

This evidently led to a 6 hour ER ordeal and the label of combative being used.

Sorry I missed that, glad she’s ok.

Vicious rumors that I had run a tab for her are unfounded and possibly libel.

Besides, even if I did, and I am not saying I did, it could be viewed as a social experiment.

Regardless, the event worked out, and fun was had by all, or at least most.

Good to see everyone, anyway.

To be continued…PART 1 of 3





Posted by on July 16, 2012 in Uncategorized


8 responses to “I am getting too old for reunions.

  1. MR

    July 16, 2012 at 12:40 pm

    I just picture this all going down and the smile/smirk on your face as you think about how you’ve hit the blog jackpot so to speak as this all goes down again and again. I can picture you drumming your fingers together like, “Yes, priceless, bring it on”. The voyuer in you just loves this shit. Keep it up.

    • Bittermac

      July 16, 2012 at 12:55 pm

      It was like Christmas, superbowl, Winning the Publishers Clearing House, hookers and blow all wrapped up into one evening. Awesome.

      • Rockstar

        July 16, 2012 at 1:13 pm

        A veritable smorgasbord, perhaps. Glad my drama was minor and quiet, just a quick trip home and back to take care of the 4 year old.

      • Bittermac

        July 16, 2012 at 3:11 pm

        Is that code for something dirty? I bet it is.

      • Rockstar

        July 16, 2012 at 9:47 pm

        Don’t I wish. Ran up and down those stairs in a panic, because of the 4 year old. At least y’all know where my heart is!

  2. KS

    July 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    It was nice meeting you! I had a great time, even though it wasn’t my reunion.
    Heard about “The Suspect,” glad she’s OK! I had left by then.

    • Bittermac

      July 25, 2012 at 9:24 pm

      I have no idea who you are. If you are the poor woman I inadvertently “Elbow titted” in the hallway by the bathrooms, I apologize.

      • KS

        July 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm

        Nope, that wasn’t me…


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