Lincoln didn’t even own a machete.

03 Jul

I got into a healthcare argument recently.

But it was not the argument you think.

I am certain that if Zombies did exist, they would immediately be declared Undead Americans and given free healthcare.

It would be an untapped labor source.

And they would figure out some way to tax them.

And, you can tax the highest 1% of all Undead Americans at the 100% rate and they would never complain.

I am not sure how the argument ended with with accusations of racism, but we got there.

I am bad enough on my own, but throw me in with someone who’s mind is as warped as my own?

Strap in and clench your butt cheeks, the rides gonna get bumpy.

There are a lot of books and movies out about vampires, werewolves and zombies.

I recently watched a little slice a absolute shit called “Abraham Lincoln Vs. Zombies”

It was painful in a way that is difficult to describe without obscenities or really heinous descriptions.

Its the movie version of the Aristocrats joke. (And if you have no clue what that is, Google the phrase “Gilbert Gottfried: The Aristocrats”. Watch the whole thing. It really needs his voice to make sense.)

(If you ignored the parenthesis in the previous line, go back and Google it, seriously. I’ll wait. Yes, he annoys me too.)

Thanks. I needed us all in the same place mentally before I could continue.

The studios are now making a movie about Lincoln versus vampires.

I know.

But its kind of like the undead version of field of dreams, if you make it they will come.

If they make the movie, I will go see it.

Knowing full well the movie is going to suck.

Like I don’t know any better.

Mainly because I like sitting in oversized plush chairs, eating popcorn and sipping soda.

Its like a mental escape back to being 13 again.

I saw Star Wars in the same setting.

With my feet barely touching the ground.

Its been a few decades since then, and my feet still barely touch the ground.

Some things never change.

But Lincoln never slayed the undead, that concept, at least, is brand new.

So even though the movie is going to suck like an insecure girl on prom night, I am looking forward to seeing it.

Its kind of sick that way.

But the only question in the back of my head is, why Lincoln?

He was not known for his physical prowess.

Teddy Roosevelt would be a better candidate for slaying the undead.

Kind of a Tomb Raider type.

Washington would have been badass.

Like Rambo in a powdered wig.

Kennedy would be kind of a polished bond type of slayer.

Reagan would have been a Dirty Harry type.

Maybe the whole reason that the idea of Lincoln being a killer is that we want our leaders to be bigger and more aggressive than we normally see.

Lincoln freed the slaves and led the country thru the Civil War.

Zombies are chump change in comparison.

Plus, politics are boring as hell.

And the sad alternative is our modern presidents.

Reagan was the last one I can imagine grabbing a machete and hacking away at the undead.

All our modern guys are pussies that would hide behind Secret Service.

How sad.



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Posted by on July 3, 2012 in Uncategorized


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