There is a side effect to swilling caffeine like pirate on a rum binge.
I like to call it the “Asshole move”.
Its listening to that little obnoxious voice that hides at the back of your head.
Caffeine gives that little guy a front row seat.
I am out running errands in the middle of the day.
Driving down the middle lane on a three lane highway.
Pay attention, that is an important point.
As I approach a stop light, my lane is empty and there is a car in both the left and right lanes.
The car on the left is a beautiful vintage Camaro, a classic muscle car that has been well taken care of. A street racer.
On the right is a brand new Porsche. Expensive, beautiful, fast.
I am in the middle in a 1998 Ford Contour. It has low miles, but that is not the point.
And that is when the obnoxious voice whispers the Asshole move of the day.
I shift into neutral and begin revving my 4 cylinder engine, whiny and shrill.
I look to the left.
The owner of the Camaro looks at me like I am nuts.
As both our windows are closed, I begin to yell.
“LET”S GO, PUSSY!”
He starts to laugh.
I look to the right.
The porsche is staring at me with wide eyes.
I point at him.
“FOR PINKS, LETS DO IT FOR PINKS!”
The light turns green.
I am racing, they aren’t and they still pass me.
I was still laughing when I turned and pulled into a shopping center.
The car ahead of me is covered with bumper stickers.
Every whiny liberal complaint on the planet is pissed and moaned about on this guy’s back window, trunk and bumper.
One that stands out is bold, black and white with a red bloody cartoon that I can’t quite make out but I am sure it will make me queasy.
“Boycott Veal – Murder is murder”
I begin to wonder where I can find good Italian veal in this town.
When the voice pops up with the next Asshole move, I begin laughing.
If we park anywhere near each other, I am going over and introducing myself as a rep for the Veal Council and I would like to invite him to a complimentary taste test to “Win him over.”
Its the type of thing that doesn’t go far beyond the first few statements and usually ends with them calling you a name as they walk away.
If you get into it, it is hysterically funny.
One of those funny moments that is “just for me.”.
And sometimes I get a little greedy with the ones just for me.
This is a condition we call “Over ass.”
Time to step away from the caffeine.
The first step in dealing with any addiction is to first admit you have a problem.
Hello, my name is Bittermac, and I am an addict.
GO TO THE COLUMN ON THE RIGHT AND GO TO THE APPAREL STORE TO GET YOUR BITTERMAC.COM HOODIE!