No one is above a beating.

16 Apr

I come from an Irish Catholic family.

And, while its a long story WHY I think its funny-

When you get the idea that giving your Father a copy of the book, “How to beat your Muslim woman”, its best to just let that idea go and don’t act on it.

(That is an actual book, by the way.)

Now, the good news is that I while I was officially asked to leave Barnes and Noble, the manager reversed that order.

With my Dad’s next birthday just a few days away, I didn’t have time to order online.

So I hoofed it to the home of the most unfriendly Starbucks on the planet, Barnes and Noble.

As I approached the Help Desk, I noticed that the clerk was scowling at me.

This woman was old.

And pissy.

I could tell without ever having met her before that she was done with my bullshit.

She woke up that morning already done with my bullshit.

Scurrying around behind her was another clerk.

“Can I help you?”

A friendly sounding phrase, but not when she says it.

“I hope so, I’m looking for a book called ‘How to beat your Muslim woman.’”

She stared at me like I had just shit myself.

I started to feel like maybe I had.

And then she pointed towards the front door.

“Please leave the store.”

“But I-”

“Sir, PLEASE leave the store, now.”

At the accent on the word please, the clerk behind the friendly clerk snapped his head around, and it turns out he is the manager.

“No, no. It’s ok. You don’t have to leave.”

He turned to Madame Sweetness.

“That is an actual book, he’s not causing trouble.”

Then he turned to me.

“That is not a book we carry, sir.”

I decided to go peruse the magazines without delay.

Jeez, the lengths I will go to for a decent birthday gift for my dad.

Its tough being a good son.

However, just the telling of the story at his birthday party was a good substitute.

I consider it an awesome story if more than one person bursts out laughing loud enough that you have to stop talking until they finish.

In the end, I got a much more appropriate gift that my dad really liked, boring, but he liked it.

And my mother forgave me for the idea of getting my father a manual instructing him on how to properly beat her.

It is really a twisted fact that, in my family, this is considered hysterically funny.

Or maybe its a really good thing.

It depends on your culture and traditions.

But, for the record, if your culture and traditions push you into considering that a true book of instruction, you may or may not need to move into a cave.

If this offends you, join the club, dumbass.

Most things offend someone, what makes you so special?

You want to know what I find offensive? At least for today?

Beating your Muslim woman.



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Posted by on April 16, 2012 in Uncategorized


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