There is something innocent and whorishly evil when a young girl first discovers sex in a big way in her early twenties.
And the main reason there is such a wide range of emotions at this juncture has nothing to do with the girl.
Its her slutty friend that is advising her that throws the whole “whorish” thing into it.
How do I know this?
Because the slutty friend is sitting out on the brick porch in front of my Starbuck’s, talking on a bluetooth ear piece.
The beauty of bluetooth is that everyone is convinced that they need to speak up in order to be heard.
Which means, I can hear them clearly.
I was biking to work today, with my headphones on.
And of course, when you wear headphones everyone assumes that you can’t hear them.
So, I am locking my bike up around the corner from the brick porch, maybe 6 feet from where this girl is sitting.
Here is the phrase that caught my attention.
“Just don’t swallow, or he’ll fall in love and follow you around like a lovesick puppy.”
Once again, we journey into that odd realm where someone thinks they cannot be heard.
This is where I live.
I freeze in place, much like you would if a deer entered the meadow, you don’t want to frighten it away.
Some of you may say, you old perv! Quit listening in.
You’ve read this blog, we’ve all met before.
I break out my eread and casually lean against the building, like I ‘m trying to finish the latest Oprah Book Club selection.
Lovely Bones blew chunks, by the way.
Back to Smut Girl.
“That was how I met Mitch. Totally, it was after that frat party? He was all drunk and followed me home in his car, completely naked. And he was, like, like pulling up next to me, jerking off at the stop lights.”
“No, but he’s so sweet sometimes, you should see what he did for my birthday.”
Oh, this girl is a charmer.
Daddy must be so proud.
Suddenly, she is whispering.
I can see her, reflected in the screen of my reader.
She has her blue tooth off and if holding it in front of her lips like a microphone.
After all that, what could she be saying that is worse and needs to be whispered?
The mind boggles.
And then she drops the bomb.
“Don’t obsess about it. Everyone eats a little jizz cookie every now and then.”
I am at a loss for words.
Are you shitting me?
This girl might be the anti-christ.
Or something close.
Suddenly, I have turned into my grandmother and this woman needs a severe ass-ripping talking too.
Complete with a shaking finger in her face.
I realize that I am the last one who has a right to be outraged about rude shit being said.
However, there are limits, even for me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see a horrible thing happen.
And the magic moment is over.
She was utterly vile and a horrid example of the total lack of morels on todays new generation of twenty somethings.
And I truly miss her already.