Have you ever smelled pepper?
Not just a hint of it, but sucked a full sprinkle of pepper into your nostrils?
Its not like in the cartoons, where it just makes you sneeze in a comical fashion.
but one of those harsh sneezes that might squeeze a little fart out of you?
Why am I describing this and asking?
Because wearing too much perfume is very similar, nostril pain wise.
Join me at the table next to the cream and sugar kiosk at Starbucks.
In a random survey of the last 5 business women to doctor their coffee, perfume is subtle and kept at a minimum.
And then she walked into my life.
In all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into my Starbucks.
I was at the table farthest from the front door.
But when the door opens, the wind blows into the building.
Are you kidding me sweetie?
I could smell her the moment she put her hand on the door.
And the whole way thru line.
I couldn’t see her, but I assumed that she was an older woman, from that glorious generation that believed that perfume was applied by the pint.
I did my best to ignore the stench, but I could tell the second she got her coffee and walked over to where I was sitting, intent on her coffee.
And she was about 22.
It was so out of place that I began to stare openly.
And I am incapable of doing this on the sly, you KNOW when I am staring.
She was conservatively dressed in business attire.
Not slutty, rather plain overall.
But where the hell could you work where you smell like 10 old women?
Are her coworkers old hockey players and boxers?
And then I began sneezing.
I lost count at 8 times.
And she said bless you each time.
Like she was expecting it.
And maybe she was.
Maybe the whole saying “Bless you” is her thing.
I think she finally figured it out, took her coffee and left.
By this time my eyes are almost swollen shut.
It is several hours later and I am still a little congested.
I would like to make this an open letter to the ladies out there, and possibly the guys that think they are on Jersey Shore.
And for the record, Snooki is hot, right up until she opens her mouth.
And you can’t smell her on TV.
Back to the matter at hand.
To the ladies, have a heart and dial it back a bit.
For the guys, seriously?
To put it bluntly, you smell like shit.
A little restraint is in order.
And I so need to keep some Benedril in my laptop bag.
I should have been a boy scout as a child.
I would be better prepared.