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What stinks?

09 Feb

Have you ever smelled pepper?

Not just a hint of it, but sucked a full sprinkle of pepper into your nostrils?

Its not like in the cartoons, where it just makes you sneeze in a comical fashion.

but one of those harsh sneezes that might squeeze a little fart out of you?

Why am I describing this and asking?

Because wearing too much perfume is very similar, nostril pain wise.

Join me at the table next to the cream and sugar kiosk at Starbucks.

In a random survey of the last 5 business women to doctor their coffee, perfume is subtle and kept at a minimum.

And then she walked into my life.

In all the gin joints in all the world, she has to walk into my Starbucks.

I was at the table farthest from the front door.

But when the door opens, the wind blows into the building.

Holy shit.

Are you kidding me sweetie?

I could smell her the moment she put her hand on the door.

And the whole way thru line.

I couldn’t see her, but I assumed that she was an older woman, from that glorious generation that believed that perfume was applied by the pint.

I did my best to ignore the stench, but I could tell the second she got her coffee and walked over to where I was sitting, intent on her coffee.

And she was about 22.

It was so out of place that I began to stare openly.

And I am incapable of doing this on the sly, you KNOW when I am staring.

She was conservatively dressed in business attire.

Not slutty, rather plain overall.

But where the hell could you work where you smell like 10 old women?

Are her coworkers old hockey players and boxers?

And then I began sneezing.

I lost count at 8 times.

And she said bless you each time.

Like she was expecting it.

And maybe she was.

Maybe the whole saying “Bless you” is her thing.

Who knows?

I think she finally figured it out, took her coffee and left.

By this time my eyes are almost swollen shut.

It is several hours later and I am still a little congested.

I would like to make this an open letter to the ladies out there, and possibly the guys that think they are on Jersey Shore.

And for the record, Snooki is hot, right up until she opens her mouth.

And you can’t smell her on TV.

Back to the matter at hand.

To the ladies, have a heart and dial it back a bit.

For the guys, seriously?

To put it bluntly, you smell like shit.

A little restraint is in order.

By everyone.

And I so need to keep some Benedril in my laptop bag.

I should have been a boy scout as a child.

I would be better prepared.

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6 Comments

Posted by on February 9, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

6 responses to “What stinks?

  1. Beach Mom

    February 9, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I completely agree with you on the over use of perfume. I kicked a roommate out because she wouldn’t stop wearing a perfum that triggered my allergies and closed up my throat. Way to often I’m out and someone is wearing a perfume that feels like a knife stabbing me in the face.

     
  2. Beach Mom

    February 9, 2012 at 7:46 am

    I completely agree with you on the over use of perfume. I kicked a roommate out because she wouldn’t stop wearing a perfume that triggered my allergies and closed up my throat. Way to often I’m out and someone is wearing a perfume that feels like a knife stabbing me in the face.

     
    • Bittermac

      February 9, 2012 at 8:51 am

      “Stabbing me in the face” I love that line. I am stealing it for future use.

       
  3. CoCo

    February 9, 2012 at 8:58 am

    Hate all the “smell ya later” peps too! You know the ones that not only make you sneeze, but hug you so you become the stinky person and then make the rest of your family snot heads.

     
    • Bittermac

      February 9, 2012 at 9:23 am

      Ah, “Lingering stench syndrom”, I know it well. I sat next to a homeless guy for about a half hour the other day and for the rest of the day, I was catching whiffs of BO.

       
    • Bittermac

      February 9, 2012 at 9:23 am

      Ah, “Lingering stench syndrome”, I know it well. I sat next to a homeless guy for about a half hour the other day and for the rest of the day, I was catching whiffs of BO.

       

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