A Deuce in the Woods.

02 Jan

Deuce in the woods


Does a bear “Shit in the woods?”

Do we care?

Who thought that question up and whats wrong with them?

Devoting too much time on large forest animals defecating is a clear sign of deviency

Personally, shitting in the woods is more difficult than you would think.

I went camping over New Years and was forced to “Cop a squat” outdoors.

I am an urban man.

Not like inner city urban.

More of a suburban urban.

Anyway, back to the sport of outdoor “Organic Tootsie roll making.”

That would be an Olympic sport worth watching, eh?

“Up next in Vladimir Koschek from Russia. The big Russian is going to try and break the world record of 1 pound 10 ounces he set 4 years ago in the French Nationals.”

Ok, maybe not.

I think the thing that keeps coming back to me is the vulnerability of deucing in the great outdoors.

I am worried about attack enough when I am on my toilet at home.

Now put me in a setting where I could realistically attacked by a bear while I’m “Twisting out a growler.”

Even as a child, I never really believed that Yogi bear was that friendly.

But, I can see how a cartoon bear mauling the campers would be a little off putting.

No one is sure why bears attack.

Protecting their young?

Thorn in their paw?

Despite what Disney might tell you, leave the bear with the thorn in his paw alone unless you have that kind of training.

You’re just looking for trouble.

Leave the bear alone.

And don’t bother him while he is “Pinching a loaf.”

I would attack you too.

That actually is a good general rule of life.

Leave things alone while they are “Flipping Trout.”

I must admit, the thought of “Backing the brown RV out of the Garage” is more than a little intimidating.

Its not stage fright or performance anxiety.

I think its more along the lines of being afraid that once my pants are down, a wild animal will emerge from the brush and attack my testicles.

And that would be a bad thing.

Although, if its something large, like a bear, I would hear it coming.

Or most animals for that matter.

So now I have the added requirement of having to find an area of lots of crackling leaves for added safety while I am “Dropping the kids off at the pool.”

Then I could hear anything long before it gets in striking range.

Which means I can “Launch the corn canoe” in safety.

A high fiber breakfast is really fighting against my attempts to put off the inevitable.

Which is why, at five minutes after midnight, in the first few moments of the new year, I made my way a short distance from camp.

Into an area surrounded by leaves, devoid of aggressive testicle seeking predators.

And discretely took a deuce in the woods.

Happy New Year.


Posted by on January 2, 2012 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “A Deuce in the Woods.

  1. LaVicki

    January 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Woody, our son, loves to weigh himself right before he takes a huge dump.. the largest weight loss imminently following was 2.2lbs…. it is a N family tradition to see if we can break that record…. just a little note on the blog subject to get things “moving”!

    • Bittermac

      January 2, 2012 at 2:23 pm

      Thats vile. What the hell goes on at your house?


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