Making the move.

21 Dec

“Five minutes, ten minutes tops into the movie, I’m making my move.”

This line was whispered by the, from the looks of it, 15-16 year olds behind me at the movies.

I love a decent line and this one is a gem.

I am at the movies with the girlfriend and the boys, 3 of them, are sitting directly behind me.

I am kind of torn.

They are so obviously planning to manipulate the girls, who haven’t shown up yet.

But it is so clumsy and innocent, that it is both adorable and pathetic at the same time.

Here is the move, as described, by “the boys”:

“You wait until the movie is going, let her get into the show.”

“Then you kind of adjust your seat, sit back, and stretch.”

He makes the motion.

“Don’t mind this arm, sweetie, I’m just stretching.”

Good lord.

This is about putting your arm around a girl in the movies?

Didn’t Ricky Nelson die in a plane crash?

I figured, bare minimum, they were working on being blown in the movies.

And before you attack my vile mind for suggesting such a thing of innocent teens-

Its what I was up to at that age.

Teenage boys are aggressively sexual when they first discover the opposite sex.

Or whatever sex does it for them.

I didn’t have a close gay friend growing up, but I would assume that teenage boys are teenage boys, no matter what your orientation is.

Testosterone’s a bitch.

Testosterone is a lot like crack when you first discover sex.

It is a jealous mistress that demands attention.

For teenage boys, that translates into masturbation in the early teens.

Onanism is a seriously universal hobby.

Please Google the term before you comment about my use of $5 words.

Vocabulary is not a social faux pau.

When I was attending Catholic school, masturbation was touted as being the direct cause of blindness, hairy palms and insanity.

While I am a little near sighted-


Ok, bad example.

Flaw in the theory here.

Give me a moment.

Ah, change the subject.

I think the thing I found so engaging with the boys was the pure innocence of their plotting.

From tv and the news, you hear about these hideous stories of teenage boys slipping girls roofies, and drugs, and kidnapping them and performing vile acts…etc.

I don’t know how to act with such innocence.

I realize that a part of me should maybe be weeping for my own total lack.

But I got nothing.

Snake eyes.

Maybe I should go the other way, give the boys some tips.

There was a movie when I was in high school called Diner.

Awesome film.

A guy in the film took a girl to the movies, got some popcorn, with one of those folding popcorn boxes.

He pushed his penis thru the bottom and at some point, got the girl to reach into the box and grab his penis.

I have done this.

It does not work as well as the movie.

First or all, the angle of the cardboard is such that when she grabs your dick and freaks out, and trust me, she will, your penis is trapped like your finger is in a set of Chinese finger cuffs.

Only more painful.

Plus popcorn butter will permanently stain your pants.

And it gave me a rash.

I don’t want to talk about it.

This is not about me.

In the end, I didn’t say anything to the boys.

And the girls did not shriek in horror halfway during the movie.

And they all walked out, holding hands with the girls.

Isn’t that just fucking sweet?

Ho fricking ho.

1 Comment

Posted by on December 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


One response to “Making the move.

  1. Rockstar

    December 21, 2011 at 8:17 am



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