Welcome to Coffee Daycare.
Its a new service being offered by Starbucks.
Without their knowledge.
It works like this:
Got a kid?
Drop him off at a friends house.
Lets call her DC Bitch.
DC Bitch waits until she has hit maximum capacity for an illegal daycare setup.
That would be 7 kids.
Then she walks them in human chain style, down the street to Starbucks.
Park them in the corner surrounded by other innocent bystanders.
Lets call them unpaid assistants.
Dupes is a better name mainly because unpaid implies that they know they are working, which they don’t.
At this point, DC Bitch heads across the room to the “Teachers lounge” area near the bulk coffee shelves.
To ignore them and text Moby Dick on her cell phone, but that’s just my observation.
One of the unpaid assistants that obviously didn’t get the memo has finally had enough.
“Whose children are these?”
DC Bitch swoops in with her pre-prepared speech.
“Oh, they’re with me. Sit down kids, Good manners, guys.”
And the second the little unwashed rug rats stop moving for 2 seconds, she is off the the teachers lounge, and her texting world.
I hate this woman.
I have little to no patience with anyone’s kids but my own.
And so, apparently, does she.
Its one thing to be a little stand offish to your own kids.
Raise them any way you want.
But I have issues with someone leaving their kids with this evil bitch and she isn’t even paying attention.
I never really did this with my kids.
I usually liked to encourage others to leave their kids with mine.
Mainly because I don’t trust strangers.
And our kids being friends doesn’t make us buddies.
Sorry about that.
Little pickie here.
I think it was when the kids figured out how to get the cover off of the wall socket when the old man erupted.
“JESUS CHRIST LADY!”
Lets call him Leo. (Stands for Loud Enough, Outraged)
Leo is an old guy, looks to be in his 70s.
Sporting a gut and white hair that appears to be growing out of everywhere.
Kind of nasty, really.
DC Bitch tries her patented swoop move.
And is shut down completely.
And this might be the greatest line ever yelled in a Starbucks.
“WHEN ONE OF THESE LITTLE BASTARDS ELECTROCUTES HIMSELF, I’LL MAKE SURE THEY TRY YOU FOR MURDER.”
He may even have muttered “You stupid bitch” under his breath, but my mind might be inserting that.
The entire room has shut down in this really awkward time warp of uncomfortable.
I want to feel bad for DC Bitch, but I am still hating on her pretty decently.
Her face is currently a study of contrast.
All color drained, leaving her white for a second.
Then a bright red flush erupted, not just on her cheeks, but pretty much all exposed skin.
Like heat rash.
She is sputtering a lot, but not really saying anything.
She still manages to steer the kids out the door.
Normally steering kids could be compared to herding kittens.
The ADD Gods are smiling on her, it seems.
And then shes gone.
I miss her already.