The Wild Boys of Starbucks

08 Dec

Break out your Cliff Notes.

Lord of the Flies.

In a nutshell, proper English kids crash land on an island and left to their own devices, turn feral and try to kill/eat each other.

You may be asking yourself what the hell that has to do with Starbucks.

Good question.

Starbucks is over run with five little rug rats with no parents in sight.

And the little bastards are going to town.

Two little boys with dirty faces that appear to be twins are shouting and playing tag.

An older little boy is at the cream and sugar kiosk opening and eating sugar packets one at a time.

He is kind of swaying back and forth like a crack addict in the middle of a fix.

There is a little girl that cannot seem to quit ending up behind the counter, back in the store room, only to be escorted out by just about every member of the Starbucks staff.

The final child I am assuming is in the bathroom, based solely on the shouting.

There is a line of people waiting for the 1 and only bathroom in the building. There is a lot of door knocking going on.

And whoever is in the bathroom has to be a child, no one who ever went thru puberty can hit that kind of high and screechy.

Now that Michael Jackson is dead that is.

Where the hell are their parents?

A better question is, where is the Children’s Services to take these little bastards to the orphanage?

I hate to be Ebenezer Scrooge this close to Christmas but these kids are getting on my last nerve.

I have no respect for parents that raise rude kids.

In true hypocritical fashion, we will not be discussing rude adults.

Got it?

As for the whole rude kids thing.

I have two children that are more or less grown and I was never embarrassed to take them anywhere.

And I am sure that when the authorities find the parents they will be embarrassed as well.

The manager is trying to corner the kids into the plush chair section and failing miserably.

Everytime he gets one seated and admonishes them to sit still, he tries to corral another one.

The only problem is, once he moves and takes his eyes off of the seated one, they are off like a shot.

And the way too sugared one is likely to go after him if he tries to corner him.

Come at him like a tornado of teeth and fingernails.

Finally, a man and a woman come into the Starbucks and get in line. The little girl wanders out from behind the counter and latches on to the woman’s leg.

The woman ruffles the little girl’s hair.


The woman looks at Sugar boy and say’s, “Get your brothers together, I want to get a coffee and leave. Go. Now.” She taps her fingers against the back of his head as he rushes by.

The manager is beside himself.

I can tell he wants to confront the woman, but the kids have completely subsided.

So he posts up at the door, obviously planning to catch them as they exit.

I hope he rips her an extra special new asshole.

I have no clue where Mom and Dad were just now, but it occurs to me that they basically had Starbucks babysit while they went about their business.

Me included.

Screw that, I raised my kids, I am officially off the hook for watching anyones kids I am not a blood relation to.

I can feel a decent ass clench coming on as Mom and Dad order their coffees, get them, cream and sugar them and head to the door.

The manager awaits.

As they get closer, the manager holds up one finger, indicating that he is wants to talk to them.

Dad takes the lead.

“Awesome service today, thank you.”

And shoves his way past.

and the family follows.

It is an incredible FU move on Dad’s part. They only reason it bugs me is I was hoping for a shitty public scene that I am obviously not going to get.

The Wild Boys have left the building.



Posted by on December 8, 2011 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “The Wild Boys of Starbucks

  1. Not In My Place

    December 8, 2011 at 8:21 am

    Having been a restauranteur I would have followed them out and had a few choice words to say to those crappy parents. The manager should have asked who’s children they belonged to and when they didn’t belong to anyone he should have called the police. Once the parents arrived he should have had the counter people move slow until the police arrived. The children are bad, but their parents are worse and should be beat severely.

    • Bittermac

      December 8, 2011 at 9:31 am

      I agree with the whole beat the parents thing and sic the cops on them. Can’t we do both? My blog is Bittermac and I approved this message.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s