A brilliant example of how to ensure you are beaten severly.

05 Dec

I am a divorced man, so take the following advice with a grain of salt.

I am also an asshole, so maybe you should just disregard this advice altogether.

But, if you are going to escalate an argument with your wife into a screaming argument with your wife, don’t do it curbside at Portland International Airport.

Even better, don’t make outrageous threats to harm her and her dog at the top of your lungs, curbside at Portland International Airport.

And, don’t do this in front of Airport police.

And finally, and this really is where the advice part comes in, rather that just my giggling and typing, DO NOT THREATEN TO KILL THE AIRPORT POLICE WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO QUIET DOWN AND MOVE YOUR CAR.

For big men, they move like uniformed ferrets, inhumanly fast.

If that man were a cobra, he would have been dead.

You never saw a guy slammed into a hood so fast.

Let me describe the assailant for you.

He must have been all of 5’8 and about 135lbs dripping wet.

Screaming a death threat to his wife and her dog was just stupid, but pointing his finger at the airport police and telling them to A: Go fuck themselves. and B: Or I will shoot you both! was just sad.

Its kind of like daring them to beat the shit out of you at a private location.

And the inevitable cavity search performed by the officer with the freakishly big hands goes without saying.

The patrol car roared up out of nowhere, light flashing.

The subdued assailant was slammed into the backseat and off the car went, leaving one officer to take the now stunned wife’s statement.

It was awesome.

And at the airport!

You would cringe if he had pulled that in the parking lot at Target.

But the airport?

I think whatever he was pissed about is pretty much irrelevant now.

He has a whole lot different class of shit to deal with now.

This is like, sell the house to pay the lawyer so you don’t end up in jail for the rest of your life problems.

Good. The man was a fucking menace to society.

I think those officers deserve medals.

I know what a few of you are thinking.

“If I was there, I would have kicked their ass!”

Good luck with that one, asshole. Call me and let me know how that one goes.

Get used to the taste of pepperspray and that neat ass clinch a military grade tazer will give you.

As for me, I treat the police of any sort like angry guard dogs, purely out of respect.

And not just because they might attack without warning.

But because, should the shit go down for real, I WANT them to squelch “the villian” in a quick and brutal fashion.

Since I do not want to be mistaken for “the villian” I have a whole different approach.

I keep my hand out where they can see them and move slowly. Respectful, but not aggressive eye contact.

Can I go now, sir?

When I am about 25 yards away, my ass cheeks will unclench on their own.

And I can visit the rest room to deal with the inevitable swamp ass.

And life will be good.

Was that so hard?


Posted by on December 5, 2011 in Uncategorized


12 responses to “A brilliant example of how to ensure you are beaten severly.

  1. Beach Mom

    December 5, 2011 at 8:12 am

    You are a magnet for the crazies. It amazes me how often people act stupid in front of you. The funniest part is you’re usually just on the sidelines watching. From experience I know you can egg on a situation to the next level of crazy too. I could hear your evil giggle the whole time I read this.

    • Occupy Melbourne

      December 5, 2011 at 9:50 am

      Why do you Yanks see nothing wrong with your police attacking an unarmed citizen? This is not a cowboy film, this is modern day.

      • Bittermac

        December 5, 2011 at 10:01 am

        With a population of under 21 million, Australia is more of a tourist resort. You have no understanding of the US. G’day and eat shit, Mate!

      • Proud American

        December 5, 2011 at 3:47 pm

        Why do you see nothing wrong with a man making a death threat not only to his wife but a police officer. He deserves whatever he has coming to him.

      • Bittermac

        December 5, 2011 at 8:59 pm

        Aw, leave the whiny ass aussie pussy alone. He lives in a third world country, I feel bad for him.

      • Beach Mom

        December 5, 2011 at 4:28 pm

        If you were standing there you wouldn’t want the police to do anything. He threatened his wife, her dog and then them. He said he was going to shoot all of them. In this country that is a terrorist threat and is not taken lightly. How do you know he wasn’t armed?!?! How do you know he was a citizens?!?!

      • Bittermac

        December 5, 2011 at 9:01 pm

        There is a higher instance of prison rape in Australia. Mainly because they have this attitude.

      • Vicki

        December 5, 2011 at 10:37 pm

        Dude… your country (no capital letter as it doesnt deserve it) sucks big fucking balls… first of all… you are pussies and dont have a back bone for nada… look up how your country is not protecting its own citiizens in your own waters…. want a link .. here you go…just in case you are as stupid as you sound…

        secondly… fuck you.. I am married to the law.. and he better damn well slam a fucker into a car if he threatens to kill him… let alone a DOG for petes sake… ok that was sarcasm – but the rest is all my honest opinion…

        you live in a pussy ass fucking country filled with unethical stupid men that are a bunch of non law abiding citizen… go occupy your toilette… as that is probably the only thing you are excellent at doing…

        ps. you dont even have good shrimp!

      • Bittermac

        December 6, 2011 at 8:11 am

        Don’t sugar coat it, sweetie, tell us how you really feel.

    • Bittermac

      December 5, 2011 at 10:02 am

      Actually, I think that I have developed different habits. When you see a couple arguing, most people clear out. I get closer, so I can hear it.

  2. Betteroff

    December 6, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Not much to say after Vic’s rant! Well played my dear ! As to being put in the back of a cop car , it blows! Big men no fit, I know they do that shit on purpose! No just a few bar brawls , no yelling death threats at the wife , and surely not my dogs!

    • Bittermac

      December 6, 2011 at 7:36 pm

      I can understand the wife thing, I was married after all. But to threaten the dog?


Leave a Reply to Beach Mom Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s