I am a divorced man, so take the following advice with a grain of salt.
I am also an asshole, so maybe you should just disregard this advice altogether.
But, if you are going to escalate an argument with your wife into a screaming argument with your wife, don’t do it curbside at Portland International Airport.
Even better, don’t make outrageous threats to harm her and her dog at the top of your lungs, curbside at Portland International Airport.
And, don’t do this in front of Airport police.
And finally, and this really is where the advice part comes in, rather that just my giggling and typing, DO NOT THREATEN TO KILL THE AIRPORT POLICE WHEN THEY ASK YOU TO QUIET DOWN AND MOVE YOUR CAR.
For big men, they move like uniformed ferrets, inhumanly fast.
If that man were a cobra, he would have been dead.
You never saw a guy slammed into a hood so fast.
Let me describe the assailant for you.
He must have been all of 5’8 and about 135lbs dripping wet.
Screaming a death threat to his wife and her dog was just stupid, but pointing his finger at the airport police and telling them to A: Go fuck themselves. and B: Or I will shoot you both! was just sad.
Its kind of like daring them to beat the shit out of you at a private location.
And the inevitable cavity search performed by the officer with the freakishly big hands goes without saying.
The patrol car roared up out of nowhere, light flashing.
The subdued assailant was slammed into the backseat and off the car went, leaving one officer to take the now stunned wife’s statement.
It was awesome.
And at the airport!
You would cringe if he had pulled that in the parking lot at Target.
But the airport?
I think whatever he was pissed about is pretty much irrelevant now.
He has a whole lot different class of shit to deal with now.
This is like, sell the house to pay the lawyer so you don’t end up in jail for the rest of your life problems.
Good. The man was a fucking menace to society.
I think those officers deserve medals.
I know what a few of you are thinking.
“If I was there, I would have kicked their ass!”
Good luck with that one, asshole. Call me and let me know how that one goes.
Get used to the taste of pepperspray and that neat ass clinch a military grade tazer will give you.
As for me, I treat the police of any sort like angry guard dogs, purely out of respect.
And not just because they might attack without warning.
But because, should the shit go down for real, I WANT them to squelch “the villian” in a quick and brutal fashion.
Since I do not want to be mistaken for “the villian” I have a whole different approach.
I keep my hand out where they can see them and move slowly. Respectful, but not aggressive eye contact.
Can I go now, sir?
When I am about 25 yards away, my ass cheeks will unclench on their own.
And I can visit the rest room to deal with the inevitable swamp ass.
And life will be good.
Was that so hard?