Dude looks like lady.

25 Nov

What happens if you can’t tell if a girl is a guy?

Everyone is allowed to be who they want to be, but dammit, pick a side.

I was at a social function recently, and there was a woman there. (We’ll stick with woman for now.)

She was tall, broad shouldered, kind of a linebacker build.

Thats ok, you see plenty of folks out there that don’t have the supermodel shape.

However, add to that Jay Leno’s lantern jaw and a forehead that is more of an eight head and you have what is known as a ruggedly handsome man.

Or a fugly woman.

Or a woman with a penis.


There really is no way to know, without creating a huge social faux pas.

But it is now stuck in my head.

Probably for the best that I do not give in to the temptations that pop into my head.

Because if I give in to that evil shitty voice in my head and cup check the heshe and she turns out to be a girl, (or even a heshe for that matter) I become the nightmare asshole in the horridly embarrassing episode that the poor girl did nothing to deserve.

And if you are wondering what a “Cup check” is, its a sports euphemism. When over-testosteroned individuals want to hassle each other, one will suddenly, without warning, slap the other in the testicles and loudly proclaim “CUP CHECK!”

I know, its stupid, but its a guy thing so let it go.

So, I managed not to completely destroy the festive occassion.

Like I always say, I try not to inflict myself on the public.

However, sometimes my asshole attitude is useful.

For instance, I was once at a bar with two friends. Lets call them Tom and Jerry.

Tom is one of those guys that looks like an Italian model.

And he had no clue.

So, me and Jerry were sitting at the bar, getting drunk in good fashion. The club was noisy and crowded. We had watched Tom talking to a HOT blond at a table for the better part of an hour.

And something was wrong.

No clue what it was, just something in the back of my head said warning, warning.

And then Jerry turned to me and snapped his fingers.

I got it instantly.

She has a penis.

We waved to Tom and he came over.

At first, he was pissed. So we phrased it this way.

“Just go ask her is she’s a dude. And if we’re wrong, just laugh like its a joke and tell her your friends have a sick sense of humor.”

He wasn’t happy about it, but as he walked back, you could see the hesitancy meant we had planted the seed.

Over the noise of the club we could not hear the conversation, but from the sudden rigidity in her body language told us when he asked her.

But when she nodded her head and mouthed the word “Yes” it was like a loud speaker.

Tom backed away and walked past us like a dog with his tail between his legs.

“Lets just go.”

It was one of those moments that is so awkward that it is awesome to witness, especially if you have that kind of evil side to your personality.

We’ve met, right?

I have had someone in my life tell me that I cater a little much to the “Asshole within”.


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Posted by on November 25, 2011 in Uncategorized


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