Why Twilight still sucks.

21 Nov

Here is why I hate the Twilight movies.

There is a joke that goes like this:

Why are the Twilight movies like soccer?

Because there is a lot of action and everyone runs around for two hours and in the end? Nobody scores.

And I really think this is funny. Mainly because it is.

And much like a soccer game, there is a lot of people that get so much more excited than it really deserves.

Soccer has never caught fire in the US like it has in the rest of the world.

Because it sucks.

Right, Twilight.

There are some issue with Twilight.

Robert Pattinson looks dorky all pale. He looked a lot better as Cedric in the Harry Potter flick.

Oh, yes. I speak the lingo.

Ok, enough with the geek and chick flicks.

I like them both, sue me. And pray to God your lawyer is as good as mine. He is soul less to the point that he could be in Twilight as both a soul less vampire and a blood thirsty werewolf.

And besides, he’s family.

Then again, I like the film “Santa Claus conquers the Martians” so my taste is questionable. (This was my favorite movie when I was 5 and if you haven’t seen this film, its a hideous piece of shit, trust me. You should still see it though.)

And yet, part of Los Angeles has been taken over more thoroughly than if the Occupy LA bunch had hand in it.

Mainly because the Twilight fans have a stated goal.

To shriek like giddy schoolgirls at the Twilight cast.

That’s it.

Which is ok if you’re a giddy schoolgirl.

But I saw a guy on the news that was a 50 year old father of 3 that camped out for 2 days BY HIMSELF and says that he is in “Edward’s camp”.

He is probably also on the pedophile watch list somewhere.

The phrase creepy mother-fucker comes to mind.

Just saying. (And mom, if you’re reading this, sorry about the language.)

In truth, I enjoyed the movies. I will see the latest Twilight film.

But I refuse to camp out. A) I like it the movies, but I do not love the movies. B) I am aware of what age I am.

Its kind of like any current kids band. When they come on the radio, I might listen for a second.

But I am not buying a poster and I am not going to the concert. I don’t have an Edward keychain, or a Jake screensaver.

Plus, have you heard the bubble gum shit they trowel out on the radio these days?

Back to Twilight.

Why does everyone have to be so tortured and sad?

Why not a smile?

Even if you are undead?

I am back at the beginning question.

All the girls are hot, all the guys are models.

And no one is sleeping with anyone.

At least not on camera.

Maybe the crew is having sex between takes.

I hope someone is.


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Posted by on November 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


8 responses to “Why Twilight still sucks.

  1. Ed

    November 21, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Meh, you lost me on the soccer comment. Considering that soccer has higher average attendance in the US than basketball and hockey, your premise is a bit off. But, oh well, you are watching Twilight movies so your judgement is already in question.

    • Bittermac

      November 21, 2011 at 9:12 am

      Ed, may I call you Ed? Ed, you seem like a statistic quoting, soccer suck-ass, so let me ask you this question. Why isn’t Edward nailing Bella by the closing credits in Twilight 1?

      • Vicki

        November 21, 2011 at 4:00 pm

        Willy.. did you NOT watch the movie you just went to? He DID nail Bella.. remember he broke the bed? And she was pregnant? Oh and Ed… don’t misquote hockey figures to me! I am the official HOCKEY WIDOW… Hockey is NOT watched less than Soccor! Hockey is the new football!!!

      • Bittermac

        November 21, 2011 at 6:49 pm

        Be careful, Ed’s lawyers will shoot you. Actually, I wrote this blog Friday, before going to see it. The sex scene was a little uncomfortable to watch. I get the feeling Edward is not into girls and Bella is not into men. Odd.

  2. Ed

    November 21, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    Dude – I know nothing of the Twilight movies or books so I can’t answer the question. More importantly, why are you wasting valuable time on that crap when you could be writing something funny or poignant? You know I enjoy your blog, but you missed the mark on this one … for me. So sue me because I think this one was dumb and not up to par with your usual work. Your lawyer doesn’t scare me – my defense team just shoots people like that.

    • Bittermac

      November 21, 2011 at 3:28 pm

      You are so angry. Why? Is this because I wouldn’t be you valentine? Take a deep breath, hold it, concentrate on your shakras, and release. I feel so much better.

      Bite me

      • Mary

        November 23, 2011 at 10:11 am

        Will, you must read the books. As the writer that you are you will appreciate the author and her ability to keep you reading. I just saw the movie this weekend. It had been a while since I had read the last book so I had forgotten most of it. So I picked the book up the other day 750 pages and finished it in 2 days. It is that good and there is quite a bit of sex if you took the time to read the book(s). I am no die hard Twilight fan by any means but something about them made me read them all because they are that good a read. PS I can loan you the books if you care to ever read them

      • Bittermac

        November 23, 2011 at 10:16 am

        Notice that my review was not about the books, but the movies? It would not be the first time a director gutted an important feature of a book for the sake of the movie. I stand by the review. On a side note, I saw the latest film last weekend too. Really liked it. That was a lot of pent up shit.


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