Why does Jazz make my soul ache?

18 Nov

Jazz is a unique American musical art form.

It also sucks.

Bear with me for a moment.

I am all for making a statement, like what you like, be what your gonna be.

But Jazz sucks ass and thats a fact.

Bullshit! You are saying to your screen.

You have no taste, you say, you have no culture.

You are talking out your blog scribbling ass on this one.

And then it comes, the Jazz lovers standard go to line.

You just haven’t listened to good Jazz.

Yes, that Jazz too.

And Starbucks is smitten.

Like a dog in heat, Starbucks can’t get enough of what is called, “good” Jazz.

That is an oxymoron. (Look it up, I do not have time to ‘splain this to you.)

I spend an inordinate amount of time in Starbucks, this is known.

And it is a stone bitch to write a blog when there is a wild cacophony of noise in the background.

And just a shade too loud. (And by shade, I mean that my soul is being cut into little pieces.

I have a theory about this.

There was an article in the Wall Street Journal awhile back about Starbucks trying to keep “Squatters” out.

A “Squatter” is a patron that, yes purchased something, but was staying too long.

In other words me.

I think this is a passive aggressive method of getting me to leave.

Its also rude, but we can address that later.

As for getting rid of me?

Good luck, people. You have have my seat when you pry it from my cold, dead ass cheeks.

I am not going anywhere, I am dug in like an Alabama tick.

Pack a lunch and come early.

Insert whatever other folksy cliche you like here, I am still not leaving.

So, now we are at a stalemate. We are kind of like two old gunfighters, waiting for the other to make a move.

So what’s next?

In a way, I represent the Occupy movement in downtown Manhattan Beach.

Its my own little protest and I take it very serious, kind of.

Big business is trying to take something from me. Something they own and I feel entitled to it.

My seat. If I could grip a chisel with my ass cheeks, I would chisel my name on it.

The good one, the round by the cream and sugar kiosk.

Look at it this way.

The Constitution promises life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I want to pursue my happiness from the cushy round table in the back with the Ginger scowling at me from the barrista station.

I hold these truths, such as they are, to be self evident.

So, my final Occupy Manhattan Beach demand is for Starbucks to quit using Jazz to deny me my Constitutional rights.

It’s anti-American.

You bastards, how could you?


How the hell did I pull that one off?

I mean, I am good at bullshit, but damn, this is good even for me.

Its the Jazz talking.

Yeah, man. (Finger snapping ensues.)



Posted by on November 18, 2011 in Uncategorized


16 responses to “Why does Jazz make my soul ache?

  1. Beach Mom

    November 18, 2011 at 7:04 am

    I know what I’m getting you for Christmas…The whole collection of Starbucks CDs. HAhaha!!!

    • Bittermac

      November 18, 2011 at 8:36 am

      First, I will unfriend you. Then, I will show up at your house with the neighbors kid and we will all listen to every second.

      • Rockstar

        November 18, 2011 at 9:33 am

        Even if she wears her booty shorts???

      • Bittermac

        November 18, 2011 at 10:37 am

        That is not a fair argument. I mean, have you SEEN the booty shorts? Oh my.

      • Rockstar

        November 18, 2011 at 11:48 am

        Perhaps I need a pair of my own…

      • Bittermac

        November 18, 2011 at 5:56 pm

        Always a recommended item.

  2. Puzzled

    November 18, 2011 at 8:39 am

    The obvious racism of this blog is disgusting. Jazz was created by black men and is a shining example of their culture. The transparency of your hatred is shameful.

    • Rockstar

      November 18, 2011 at 9:04 am

      Dear Puzzled,

      Two words for you: Kenny G.

      • Bittermac

        November 18, 2011 at 9:15 am

        Good point. (I hate Kenny G) What race is he? I want to put it on my list.

      • Rockstar

        November 18, 2011 at 9:35 am

        Hate the sin, not the sinner.
        (and he’s a nice Jewish boy from Seattle…)

      • Beach Mom

        November 18, 2011 at 9:55 am

        Kenny G makes me horny. As a matter of fact most jazz is great for making love. Instead of hating Jazz, you should use it to your advantage.

      • Bittermac

        November 18, 2011 at 10:39 am

        Ok, then I won’t bring the neighbor kid. Just me, you, and Kenny. (I am SUCH a whore. Its sad, really.)

      • Bittermac

        November 18, 2011 at 10:38 am

        Hate the sinner, the sin, Seattle… name it.

    • Bittermac

      November 18, 2011 at 9:06 am

      Ms. X,
      Why does your comment do its usual? Confuses and pisses me off. I realize that this might be a tough one to fathom for you, but it is possible to just hate Jazz for the music itself. I never mentioned race, you did. Tells me that its not far from your mind. It must be horrid to live in your head.
      Take care, Happy Thanksgiving.

      Bite me and eat shit.

  3. Ed

    November 18, 2011 at 8:51 am

    Dear Puzzled –

    the obvious stupidity of your post is disgusting! The transparency of your ignorance is amusing, though.


    Society’s Tainted Under Puzzled’s Ignorant Diatribe

    • Bittermac

      November 18, 2011 at 9:07 am

      I like the idea of S.T.U.P.I.D.


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