The cars are giving her aids.

26 Oct

Stupid cars are giving me aids!

Shouted, not said quietly, with a dash of bat-shit crazy.

God, I love the homeless.

Let me explain.

Every now and then, the road calls to me.

And I go on walkabout.

For those that don’t know, that means you just kind of take off for awhile.

In reality, this ends up being a lot more thought out than it sounds.

I like the comfort that comes with proper planning and reservations.

So I am in Carpenteria, CA.

They have a small, but scrappy downtown area.

Complete with a Starbucks, and a Coffee Bean.

The Starbucks is in a Von’s, which by default makes it suck.

And in a weird sort of time warp, the Coffee Bean is very hip and rocks.

And the resident crazy homeless woman has an act that is second to none.

Before you write a scathing comment about how cruel I am, save it, I know and still don’t give two shits.

Besides, I love a good show.

Let me set the scene.

She is old, but kind of crack-head old, meaning that she could be 70, or in her 30’s and just look that worn out.

Make up. Its masterfully done in what I can only describe as hobo-chic.

The clothing is a pink, quilted house coat. Its a tough look to pull off, but she does it with a “Go big or go home” attitude.

Silver buckled, square toed pilgrim shoes, with inch and a half heels that clomp as she stomps back and forth.

She is posted up on the corner in front of the Coffee Bean, keeping an eye on the people walking by and the cars on the street.

As I walk by with a group of friends, we make eye contact and I smile, ducking my head in a harmless, friendly way.

Never pays to upset the locals till you find out if she’ll attack.

She surprises me by bugging her eyes out wide and sticking her tongue out of a mouth opened wide.

The gesture would catch your eye all by itself, but add in the hobo chic ring of lipstick around her mouth and white and red eye make up and its breathtaking to behold.

Don’t tease me, honey.

I get about 10 feet away and she barks at my back.

Now I’m sure she’s just dicking with me.

When I get about a half a block away, we pause at a restaurant, waiting for the doorway to clear so we can go in.

“Stupid cars are giving me aids!” She has a set of lungs on her and I can hear her clearly.

I look and she has her scarf twirled around her head like a homeless berka and is pointing accusingly at the cars driving by.

Who really knows what comes out of exhaust pipes these days?

I think about what she was yelling all during lunch.

I love the homeless, both as individuals and as a source of entertainment.

And this woman is a pisser.

Lunch was delicious and we are now well out of downtown and just walking towards beach, just meandering. One of our group in enjoying a cigar.

We had just walked past this huge hedge when the same homeless woman came wiping around the corner, head low power-walking.

By shear chance, the cigar smoker had just exhaled a noxious cloud of cigar smoke.

She plowed right thru it, hands waving in front of her.

“I can’t speak, I’m covered with smoke.”

She muttered and cursed for the rest of the block.

And I watched her go.

She was incredible.

Bat-shit crazy has that certain allure.


Posted by on October 26, 2011 in Uncategorized


2 responses to “The cars are giving her aids.

  1. CR

    October 26, 2011 at 8:49 am

    Apparently “Bat Shit” is a whole new level of crazy!

    • Bittermac

      October 26, 2011 at 10:19 am

      Just plain crazy didn’t seem descriptive enough.


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