The first thing she said was:
“Babe? I need something hella good for breakfast.”
It was such an odd little phrase that I looked up from what I was reading as I walked along.
It was a young Asian girl, early twenties or so. She was hanging on the arm of the gangly boy walking next to her. It was that type of clingy type of arm holding like she was afraid he would float away like a balloon.
As we walked the last half block to Starbucks, she proceeded to call him Babe 31 more times, I counted. She used the word hella a lot less, but it was more annoying.
First of all, hella is not even a word.
It was like listening to Marine Corp recruits begin and their sentences with a specific word.
Sir, yes Sir!
When they turned in at Starbucks, I was both elated and bummed. Elated because I am always on the lookout for odd personalities and bummed that this vacuous dip shit was ahead of me in line.
My need for caffeine in the morning can be an ugly thing sometimes. I don’t want to hurt anyone, I just want my coffee.
There were 3 people ahead of us in line.
Lizzie, the girl, as referred to by her boyfriend, was like a hyper child in a toy store.
“Oh babe, the coffee cake looks hella good!”
“Babe, did you want the donut? We could split it and a coffee cake.”
My teeth began to itch.
If she were 5 with these communication skills, this would be cute. But, god damn it, this is a woman in her early twenties, and it was more like looking at a caricature of the most annoying woman the artist could think of.
Live and in person.
I counted 26 more “Babes” in line.
Pace yourself, dear.
I took a seat right next to them and set up my laptop. I would rather get a root canal, but I am willing to take one for the blog.
The perfect opportunity to be a dick came when Lizzy told “Babe” that she had to pee “hella” bad.
I waited for her to hit the bathroom then caught “Babe”’s eye.
“Morning Babe.” I said this with as straight a face as possible, then sipped my coffee to hide the smiled.
He flinched and had the good grace to act both annoyed and embarrassed.
“My name is Mike.”
Spitting coffee is never a great way to start a conversation, but I could not contain it.
Whatever else I was going to try to say was lost in the laughter that came over me.
I lost it.
I fought for control for about five minutes.
Babe just sat there looking a little pissed, but going further down the road of being really embarrassed.
Lizzy came out of the bathroom and found Babe standing, waiting for her.
Before she could ask anything, he turned and walked out clutching both coffees and the baggie with the pastries.
There are times I need that as much as the coffee.
I think we all do, but have been told over and over that its rude.
Fuck it, I feel really good today.