Shutting my own mouth…

21 Sep

I can’t shut up.

You would think that is a good thing, since you all seem to love the stuff that shoots out of my mouth.

But, when bantering with my significant other, the longer I flap my gums, the deeper I dig the hole.

And she is not helpful. Often times, she “hands me the shovel”, if you know what I mean. Those of you who are in a serious relationship understand that one at the core.

For those that have never been in that spot before, its just that there are times that you go down a certain road and you suddenly realize that you have gone too far and there is no turning back and nothing you do will keep you out of the trouble pile.

I have been in the middle of trying to “fix” what my mouth has caused and hit a sudden revelation. I have looked at my girlfriend and said “I am just messing it all up, aren’t I?”

Thats ok. I have had some of my biggest moments of clarity at times when it isn’t the best time.

Maybe thats part of my issue.

I would rather know than look good.

Not that it helps in the middle of it all.

And afterwards, you feel stupid you didn’t get it before.

Welcome to my world.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times where being completely wrong and totally convinced you know it all can flat out rock. Its kind of a heady, arrogant feeling that can lead to wicked situations and activities.

Those are the times that truly stand out in my memory. Heroic, shameful times. Great stories.

And only illegal in a few states.

Plus the statue of limitations is ridiculously short in California for most crimes. And if you get the right judge, it might not be viewed as a crime, but as more of a hazing prank.

Enough said.

You read so many things, usually written by men, about how arguing with women is so impossible.

The secret is, its not.

The only problem is, as men, we are rarely up to speed enough to know what we are arguing about.

For instance, and you knew that was coming, I have a friend that has been married for 18 years. 2 years into the marriage, he cheated with an old girlfriend and he made the cardinal mistake.

He told his wife.

Big mistake, in my humble opinion. I know what you are saying, how can you keep a secret like that in a marriage? Honesty is the only policy.

Blah, blah, blah.

That is a feminine ideal, the whole honesty thing.

Not that men prefer to lie, but it has to do with how we are wired. Lying is the easiest means to an end. Its almost like taking one for the team.

Your partner is the moral and virtuous one, you are just kind of the soldier in the trenches, getting the job done however you have to.

Before the ladies and effeminate guys begin howling, I never said that it would make complete sense to you.

For example, again. My buddy, who’s ill advised affair was round about 16 years ago, and his wife forgave him, they HAVE been to counseling, and he told me this little tidbit the other day.

The kids, in their teens, are out with friends, and knowing the wife has had a hard day and is kind of irritated, he asks her if she would like some pizza.

Her response?

“Why don’t you go have pizza with your whore?”

16 years vanished in an instant and he began sputtering and trying to apologize.

Attention single people, remember when I said you suddenly realize that no matter what you do you can’t avoid the trouble pile?

This is that moment.

And he is knee deep in it.

If he would have kept his mouth shut, he would have forgotten about it. Men can do that and it is an awesome bit of mental delusion.

I think that, for me and the rest of the guys at least, that trying to win the argument may be a lot like that movie “Wargames” with Mathew Broderick. Remember that one?

In a nutshell, he hacks a computer that he thinks is playing nuclear war simulator and instead, it is playing for real. Moments before Armageddon, he gets the computer to see the light. The final scene of the movie sums it up, for both nuclear war and for arguing with your mate.

“Interesting game, it seems the only winning move is not to play.”

Game over.

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Posted by on September 21, 2011 in Uncategorized


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