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The weaker sex.

25 Aug

Divorced women have a serious agenda.

When a man gets divorced, we go thru this juvenile “I’m free” thing in our heads. This leads to a lot of whoring around whenever possible, but usually a rejuvenation of the personality. Its like the filter of marriage dampens you down and shuts you up. In divorce, you suddenly find the handcuffs off that you didn’t realize were there, and you can now speak your mind.  This is sometimes a good thing.But what if you are kind of an obnoxious dick?

Take up blogging, works like a fucking charm.

Women, however, view divorce as a kaleidoscope of things.

Empowering, rejuvenating, reinvention, life changing. They start new businesses, join a book club, read these books. (Not even the trashy stuff, but stuff Oprah recommends) Often times, a support group erupts.

And that is when the trouble begins.

Oprah is not pro man. This is a given. She is part of that, “Men are the problem.” thing. Keep in mind that Oprah is single and has been for a long time. Never take your car to a mechanic that never learned to drive. She has a female friend, named Gayle, that goes everywhere with her, and a constantly missing man in her life named Stedman. If a friend in high school had the same scenario in their life, you would have called bullshit long ago.

I have a relative that has had a long time girlfriend, that no one has ever met, but hangs out 24 7 with his “buddy” and room mate. They even go on vacation together because they are such good “Friends”. (Putting quotes around anything makes it suspect.) No one is really fooled, but it has made for some wonderfully awkward Thanksgiving dinners over the years. The yearly answer to mom’s question of when is he getting married and having kids is met with stock quotes from the Liberace play book. “I’m working too much.” “I’m concentrating on my career.” Laughing in the middle of the silence that follows will get you chewed out by my mother in a heartbeat, trust me on that one.

Sorry, off on a tangent there.

Divorced women tend to get together to talk about something called “Feelings”

Stop laughing, I’m being serious here.

Divorced women should never be allowed to congregate together.

Whole lotta “All men are bastards!” Oprah shit going down. Its a mob mentality at that point as they support and empower the living shit out of each other. I’ve seen it and its a terrifying thing. Nobody ends up dead but suddenly, the alimony triples and she’s fighting over custody of your pet rock.

Because here’s the problem.

We are bastards.

Sounds simple, but think about it. It is like that old Aesop’s fable about the woman that finds the half dead snake, nurses him back to health, and when he bites her and she asks how could he do that? He says, you knew I was a snake when you took me in.

Exactly.

And no, I am not saying that all men will wander around with their penis out, 24 7, looking for takers. But we
do still slither around quite a bit. By the purist definition of a divorced woman men are bastards, even the good one. Ask a holy roller, born again Christian if someone that doesn’t go to their church is sinful. 10 for 10 they are a sinner.

Its the perspective the shapes the answer, even before you ask the question.

But we are still men. Most women want a man to “Be a man”. But only to a woman’s definition. Again, perspective. Sensitive, funny, caring, intellectual, loves my mother, good with children, has an eye for flowers and foreign films, loves cats, is not afraid to cry and loves quiche.

Those men are out there, but they’re gay.

Just to throw it out there, I like quiche, but very hetero. I have it on authority from a gay friend that I am
what is referred to as “Tragically hetero”, and that even faking it is not very believable. I asked him if thats an insult, and he said only if you are gay.

Women are complicated creatures, you hear that one a lot.. No their not, they’re nuts! Beware of any creature that can bleed for 3 days, AND NEVER DIE.

Women are from Venus.

Great, aliens.

It all comes into focus. Its pretty obvious that women didn’t come from this planet.
Because if women are from Venus, men are from earth.

Or, it could just be a bullshit metaphor.

Maybe we are just spending too much time over-thinking it.

Perhaps the basic truth of it all is this:

Are you ready for someone in your life?

Simple question, complex answer. One of those ass-clenching, night sweats type answers. The more I think about this one, the worse it gets.

Really ready. Not just “I hope I meet someone” while you are still in marriage counseling, or spending all of your disposable income on meth. Timing is a bitch, but it also pays to be realistic and prepared.

To be ready for someone in your life, you have to sort out enough of your baggage and shit and pare it down to have room for someone without it being sabotaged before it even starts. It means, if your feeling are backed up, like an emotional constipation, that you deal with it and get around it.

Got an addiction? Thats a lover all on its own, and a jealous one at that. You have to break up with her. Talk about hell having no fury. The ex from hell.

It all boils down to dealing with everything that can trip you up. All the collected shit that you have gained over the years and hangs around your neck like a weight, holding you back and pulling you under.

The alternative is to do nothing and watch whatever relationship you have go tits up like a dead cockroach.

And spending your relationship eternity in the dust behind the refrigerator?

It sucks.

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Posted by on August 25, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

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