My Eviction Notice.

16 Aug

Am I being evicted?

An article on Rueters news service says that the Starbucks in New York City are taking action to get rid of “Squatters”

A squatter is a customer that comes in and stays for hours, takes up space, uses the free wifi and buys minimal.

People like, well, me.


New Yorkers are notorious for being inhospitable, but this is a new low. The economy is tanking like Armageddon, and New York has decided that they don’t need your business? Do us all a favor, shit head and take your purchase somewhere else?

But where?

In terms of legal crack houses, I prefer Starbucks. Coffee bean is nice, but a little bland. Starbucks straddles the fence between elitist but quick and dirty coffee version of fast food quite nicely.

And something about the place. I have never been able to put my finger on it, but it almost tries to be like a modern hipster version of those folksy coffee houses from the 60’s, but with a pretentiousness that they would be ashamed of having achieved.

So, if they do kick me out, where do I go?

The mere thought of it makes me break out in a quick case of nervous swamp ass, which is never pleasant.

There are a few places I could relocate to, but they all have their set crowds.

Coffee Bean has a more sedate, older clientele. I can walk thru the front door and lower the average age by ten years. And they play muzak. Its like drinking coffee in an elevator with your grandparents.

Noah’s Bagels is across the street. Noah”s exists in this permanent stench of burnt bread as your walk thru the door and has a lot of harried people trying to get their breakfast on in the shortest amount of time. Not a lot of eye contact and little chit chat, a lot like getting coffee in a men’s bathroom. No wifi and the coffee tastes suspiciously of teabagging. (I will not explain this. You’re on your own.)

Peets coffee is right next store and unfortunately has the shared stench from the bagel shop. Also, I am not sure what they serve there, despite the name “Peet’s Coffee”. Their coffee might be good, but I will never know, because it is served in non-heated coffee urns and therefore cold.  Its like getting coffee at a gas station.

Also, every time I go in there, half of the customers are mothers with no less than 3 children in tow. Maybe it is some sort of cold coffee and fertility clinic.

Oddly enough, Jamba Juice makes a good cup of coffee, go figure. However, no wifi, no seats and no one over the age of 17 works there.

My mother’s house is always an option for a quick cup of coffee. Mom however has been a professional psychic for about 45 years, so you get coffee and some psychoanalysis. If you are not used to it a psychic picking your brain can be every bit as uncomfortably invasive as picking a total strangers nose. She doesn’t mean anything by it, it’s second nature by now. Mom is a serious force of nature in my book, not to be fucked with unless you are ready for war.

Which leaves me with only one alternative, I could just go to work early.

You can have my seat when you pry it from my cold dead ass-cheeks.


Posted by on August 16, 2011 in Uncategorized


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4 responses to “My Eviction Notice.

  1. Vicki Morris Nardone

    August 16, 2011 at 11:05 am

    whatever you do.. do NOT leave… we CANNOT lose this modem of transformation of information to us bittermac addicts!

    • bittermac

      August 17, 2011 at 11:29 am

      This is too addicting an outlet for me, I am not going anywhere.

  2. Diane McKinley

    August 16, 2011 at 4:32 pm

    I certainly do not try to pick your brain! It’s just that the door is always open with no lock. But I love you and am still laughing. Mom

    • bittermac

      August 17, 2011 at 11:28 am

      Breath, lets be calm here. You do, and I am used to it. I just got your “No lock” comment. Nicely done, Ma’am.


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