The Suicidal Man

07 Aug

“I want to kill myself.”

It was muttered from the guy sitting next to me. I didn’t look, but I could see he was alone. After a moment, a woman came and sat with him, bringing him his coffee creation.

I had seen him in Starbuck’s a few times but he mumbles and is hard to hear, so I have ignored him.

However, today, he and his coworker? are sitting next to me, so I can hear every whiny frickin word coming out of his mouth.

Good Lord!

I have never heard of such a miserable human being.

He started slow, describing to his coworker how he had bought a groupon for 4 weeks of boot camp personal training. Every facet of his description of the training, the one and only time he went, is dismal. The trainer obviously didn’t like him, he was rude, it was too hot, a moment later a breeze sprang up and he froze, he mentioned that his calves get tight and the trainer ignored him obviously wanting him to hurt himself. On and on until I was on the verge of yelling at him.

His final word on the subject was that his calves still ached. His coworker said he should see someone about it and the guy replied that his doctor “just thinks its another one of my things.”

When you complain to your doctor to the point that everything you go to him about is not believed, you have an issue.

And then it came down to his work. His boss was evil, mean, non-professional, too short, too heavy, and, after prefacing the comment with “This isn’t meant to be racial” it turns out that he is “Sooo Hungarian, and you know how those people are”.

I’m not even Hungarian and I was offended.

I was soon hoping he would kill himself, I know that I wanted to kill myself after just 5 minutes of this shit.

Although that can ruin your morning coffee.

It was when he complained that his decaf was too hot that I realized what his issue was.

My first thought is that he is a spineless little shit-weasel that should get hit by a car, but I finally realized that he Is in one of those vicious downward spirals of depression brought on by not enough caffeine.

Luckily, we are in a place that you can get your caffeine fix on like donkey kong.

Caffeine is the opiate of the masses. It is accepted, appropriate.

Plus its delicious.

And the acceptability factor is off the charts. You can drink coffee a church functions.

It is, however a drug. One that I may or may not be heavily addicted to. But this is not about me, its about whiny boy.

So, in the midst of my efforts to understand this guy, he got up to go to the bathroom, because, “The men’s room at work is a cesspool.”

And that was when the funny began.

The moment the bathroom door closed, the girl, who had been quiet and understanding up till now, shot up out of her seat like it was on fire.

“Enough of this shit!” She muttered under her breath as she grabbed her purse and bolted out the door like she was skipping out on the check.

And here I thought this morning was going to be boring.

It was a full ten minutes until whiny boy came out of the crapper.

I would have felt bad about the moment of sadness that passed over his face., but I began feeling rottenly delighted.

He pointed at her chair and it looked like he was going to ask where she went. But stopped when he looked at me.

I answered him anyway.

I spread my arms like a magician at the end of the trick. And, despite my be efforts, I still laughed when I spoke.

“She left!” .

He left, probably confused as to why I was laughing in the first place.

I watched him go, still chuckling.

I know, I know.

Some of these are just for me.

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Posted by on August 7, 2011 in Uncategorized


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