I am an asshole.
I am not proud of that, nor am I bragging. I have just had enough people in my past tell me that, so there has to be an element of truth in there somewhere.
And I am ok with that. I have a good side, but we are not here to talk about that.
But recently, someone told me something vicious their ex did that was really mean and, while I really enjoyed the discomfort of the story, it kind of got me thinking.
If I am an asshole, what is the most vindictive thing I have ever done to an ex? It would make sense for me to go wickedly juvenile when dealing with an ex lover.
So, I wracked my brain. It wasn’t that hard, I wrack pretty easy.
And I came up with a few things.
But were they really bad? Compared to what?
For a little bit of context, I texted a select group of friends for their thoughts.
Here is what was offered:
* Upon seeing her now ex-husband’s girlfriend driving by, this woman, code-name Esmerelda, followed the poor slut around in her car till she pulled over, then made her follow Esmerelda home, where she forced her to look at wedding photos of Esmerelda and her husband until the misguided tramp broke down crying.
* One woman, code-name Sasha, invented a fake guy on a singles website and began chatting to women listed as friends on her ex’s intro page and started a program of generally being evil to them. (This by the way is illegal and can land your ass in jail.)
* One woman, code-name “Plain ol bitch”, called his mother and told her that they broke up because he was gay. Mom evidently said she had suspected this.
* On the guys side of things, code-name Chuckles decided to put his hated ex’s name of every sort of gay-porn, beast-porn, tranny-porn, you name it-porn site that has an email or direct mail list. Some of these lists can take years to get off of. (I know both parties involved here. Trust me, they deserved each other.
* An ER doctor that thankfully cannot keep a secret, said that he had treated a guy who’s ex came over after their big break up, cooked dinner, got him drunk, orally serviced him, then put a condom on him with, oddly enough, lube on the inside. (BIG WARNING HERE.) Then she got up and left. It was when he tried to remove the condom that he realized the lube was crazy glue.
I think I see where things stand now.
After basically a half hour of cheap texting and googling, I have come to the conclusion that there is so much going on out there that I would never pull, I have locked in my final answer.
Conclusion? I’m a fucking saint.
(PS. Just don’t ask anyone I’ve ever dated, there’s really no reason to bring them into this.)