The worst thing I have ever done.
This was back when my daughter Meg was still in her car carrier, about 1 year old.
My ex-wife and I had not been out in over a month, mainly due to work schedules, but also because my daughter went thru periods during her first few years that her health would nose dive for a few weeks.
So when the stars aligned and going out was going to work, we jumped at it. We grabbed the kids and headed over to our favorite Mexican restaurant, El Paso Cantina.
We got the perfect table, a round in the middle of the room, got Meg, still in her car carrier all propped up and had a good view of the room.
Everything was going perfect. The chips and salsa, one of El Paso’s specialties, were especially good tonight.
And then the phone rang.
There were two women at the next table over. One had poor cell phone habits in that she sat down, and immediately parked her phone and the edge of the table. So when it rang, it literally echoed thru out the room.
But she wouldn’t answer the god-damned thing.
It rang every five minutes. She would pick it up, make a face, then make a comment to her dinner partner about who was calling and set it back down at the edge of the table without shutting off the ringer.
It totally messed up the dinner. The guy at the next table over asked her twice to turn it down or off, and she ignored him.
I began to devise a plan.
And it was nothing I was proud of.
I had been percolating a small fart for the last five minutes. My plan was to place myself as we left right over by them and let loose a little silent but deadly justice.
Timing was everything. I had eaten a good sized portion of black beans and rice. I began to worry that it would be a little much. Control would need to be pinpoint.
As we got up to leave, I began moving into position like a shooter on the grassy knoll, very slow and deliberate.
I picked up my daughter’s carrier and took a step into the isle, turning with my back to the cell phone lady, letting my wife and son go by. It looked natural and not suspicious.
It was go time.
I took a half step back and felt the edge of the table touch the back of my thighs.
It was there that things went wrong. Several things happened at once.
1. A sudden lurching in my lower intestine moved a “larger bullet” into the chamber than I intended.
2. My butt cheek touched the cell phone, which had been stood up on its end. It knocked over with a clatter. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the cell phone lady’s head whip over to look at her phone, and also my ass.
3. I sneezed.
Then end result of all of this was that my ass let loose a fart that was as loud as it was foul. It was a long, loud blast.
It went on long enough I began to worry about shitting myself in public. This was going so wrong.
I immediately bolted down the isle. I realized as I hot footed it that, due to the noisy acoustics of the room, no one else had heard it.
Except the two victims.
I hit the corner and looked back.
Cell phone lady was leaning out of the booth with a nauseous look on her face, mixed with a look of utter horror.
I hit the front door like a man breaking a jail break.
The air smelled sweet. I took two steps toward the parking lot when I heard my wife’s voice.
“Oh my god, what did you do?”
What did I do indeed?
That was the single most evil and at the same time, one of the most awesome things I have done.
Deal with it.